"Sabotage...sabotage...I love you..."

Had a conversation a few nights ago where I was told, in short, that I sabotage situations.  The person I was on the phone with was speaking in terms of relationships and the fact that I tend to find the negative in a potential boo quicker than the average which pretty much ruins whatever chance said boo had with me.

As this person continued to tell me about myself,  I couldn't help but to be quiet and listen, all the while wondering, am I really that bad?  Do I really do those things?  Is that why I don't have a potential mate lined up?  Clearly, my mind was racing.  I calmed myself down, finding my voice and as well as a rebuttal.

"I have a very low tolerance for bullshit!"

I told y'all before that my patience is as thin as this guy.  Probably thinner.  I don't see why I should have to endure someone's stupidity for the sake of having a man to call my boyfriend.  Is that not the point of dating/getting to know someone?  Finding what you like versus what you don't and/or aren't willing to put up with?  I thought so.

Like most, I don't like being bored at all and, unfortunately, the window of time needed to get, hold and keep my attention is minute.  I like to think I give signs to let one know that my interest is being lost and I'd rather sit at home staring at this baby grandfather clock (is there such an oxymoronic thing lol?) than hold a text message conversation with you discussing what you ate for lunch.

There is a line that many guys are unaware of until AFTER they have crossed it and that is the point of no return.  In my defense, there have been few that I considered doubling back for but my mind (along with the ism from my mother) won't allow me to travel down that road simply because there was something that made me veer off course in the first place.

After discussing my "sabotaging antics", we moved on to the discussion of what "my type" consisted of.  I tend to stay away from this question because it implies that I have actually sat down and compiled a list of what I want in a mate.  Lists, to me, create superficial significant others that people go on a never ending quest to find.  So, instead of spouting some desired characteristics I think I'd want, I opted to give an example of my ideal mate: Dwele.  On the surface, he's the guy I would go for.  That crazy, sexy 'fro, that neatly groomed beard, and his eclectic but hip style...*swoons*

I want to call him in the morning and tell him to "sing to me" just like ol girl did at the end of "My Lova" *le sigh*

Now, of course, I don't know anything about this man's personality.  He could be a complete asshole in the terms of a relationship (though I highly doubt it) but, yes.  Dwele is one of my top five eclectic boos.

My friend asked what if I met a guy who wasn't all artsy like me but he was a genuine dude; would I give him a chance?  Of course I would.  I feel that if one presents themselves well, who am I to deny them a chance?  Hell, I'd like to think I've given more guys chances to get to know me than I should have (no cockiness).  But if this guy was able to keep it interesting for me, then that could be the start of something beautiful.  And then, I would get to expose him to the world that I've grown to love.

But if we can't have an intelligent conversation about something other that what was on mediatakeout or worldstar...you get my drift.

That night, I told myself that I would be slow to writing people off completely.  Give them a chance to mess up and potentially redeem themselves if need be.  I have been working on my being patient.  I don't wanna miss my blessing because I'm being a mean ass, ya know?!

What about you all?  What irks you when you're getting to know someone new?  Do you let them know that they're working the last good nerve you had left when you woke up this morning or are you the passive-aggressive type?  Am I being too harsh?

Talk to me!

Frustrated Thoughts of a Cramped Mind...

I need space to think. To formulate said thoughts. To create.  Without it, I'm not a pleasure to be around.  I get really agitated really fast.  Borderline 'bitchy', which is a characteristic people are not used to seeing in me exhibit.

As of late, my space has been comprised greatly and I'm finding it difficult to think, formulate & create.  I feel discombobulated.  Almost as if I'm losing control of myself because my mind is preoccupied with things that won't allow me to to be creative.

Some may call it daydreaming or even classify it as being lazy. *shrug*  I call it an essential necessity for me. Other creative souls may agree.

This new job I have requires a lot of my time where I'm supposed to be actively working.  The one day I do get off, I could spend it trying to regroup or I could spend some time recruiting, which will help me to be productive those six days I spend working.  It requires me to talk to complete strangers, attempting to convince them that what I have is something they need.  For a zoner like me, this is asking a bit much.  

*Does this classify as me complaining?  If so, it is not my intention because I am thankful for the opportunity I have, especially in this economy.  Everything is just so new and I'm unsure about it all.*

Being unprepared or feelings of uncertainty are things I try to steer away from.  I hold it just as high as I do the idea of being on time.  Punctuality is a big thing for me on both ends.  I don't like waiting for people for almost anything, especially if it is business related and I try to give the same respect.  I try to be at least 20 minutes early for business-oriented appointments.  I digress.

Where was I?  Unprepared & uncertainty.

Two perfect words to sum up the events of the past two days and it is leaving me with feelings of something I don't have a name for yet but it almost feels like regret.  A 'did I make the right choice?' type of  feeling.  Based on my previous situation, I did make the right choice but is this choice the best fit for me?

I feel like I'm in over my head and the bad part is that I haven't even gotten started yet.  Bestie is telling me I've got 'first day jitters'.  I agree but it's also mixed in with 'I can't do this shit jitters'...

I have a lot of energy built up inside of me and I don't know how to get it out.  I thought writing would help but it's only frustrating me more because my thoughts are coming out choppy-like and just all wrong.

I'm going to stop now...

*song I've been playing for hours*

Let's Have Intercourse...

Verbal intercourse illicit cerebral orgasms as I let your words travel the length of my body, making my back spasm
And right when I think I can't handle anymore
You say something else to make it so that I gotta have it
More of that sensual tone 
Sending sexy syllables to massage my eardrum
Eyes closed tight as your thoughts make love to my mind
Never been one to rush so I revel in you taking your time
Watching as your tongue moves methodically 
I have never witnessed anything done so erotic
See,
Mental stimulation excites me
It's quite enticing to know we can go blow for blow without tiring
I'm a different kinda freak and my sleeping cycle ain't like other mammals
Which means that we can do this all night long...



***just a lil something I was playing around with...may finish later...

Will You Be Supporting 'Red Tails'?

One would think that in 2012, the African American race would have received some type of recognition and acceptance in America rather than feeling like we have been forced upon people through coercion and/or money.

That is the case exactly when it comes to the much anticipated film of the first all black aerial fighter troop, the Tuskegee Airmen.  Red Tails, which is set to premiere on January 20, is a film that has been a long time coming, literally.  Over 23 years to be exact.  George Lucas (writer/producer/director of the Star Wars & Indiana Jones fame) spent a little over two decades and $93 million of his own money trying to convince Hollywood that this film needed to happen.  And for 23+ years, they denied him, appearing to be apprehensive due to Lucas' all black cast.

Upon reading that tidbit in Britni Danielle's article over at clutchmagonline.com, I had the 'what-the-hell?!' face but as I continued reading, it started to make some sense.  In Danielle's article, she reports the reason behind the madness:

Studios do not want to invest the resources into high-quality films with black casts because they don’t think their investments will be returned in the form of large box office numbers, here or abroad.

Understandable because we (meaning the ones that possess a few extra drops of melanin) are all for catching a flick for the free (or $5, prices may vary according to your local bootleg man).  But I still have an issue with this.  A man with the clout of a George Lucas had to fight to get this film to the big screen.  After being knocked down repeatedly, he fronted his own cash ($93 million btw) to bring this to fruition.  Nevermind the fact that the story is one that needs to be told or that the exceptional cast he has chosen to act out his vision have been in commendable roles prior to.

I could be taking it too personal but it feels like they just didn't want to give us a chance.  They automatically assumed a picture of this magnitude would not succeed due to it's all black cast.  I'm sure there were black filmmakers who had the same vision as well as the ones to come in the future but if it took Lucas longer than I've been alive, they seem to have no shot in hell.

 I just said last night that I was going to see Red Tails even if I had to go alone, partly because I'm into black history but mainly because it looks like a well crafted work of art.  Plus, when I have eye candy like Nate Parker and Michael B. Jordan to stare at for two hours, why wouldn't I?

Nate Parker

Michael B. Jordan

It will be interesting to see what the numbers will do in the first week at the box office.  I usually don't make it a habit to follow films and their gross earnings but I will be keeping an eye out on this.  I'm hoping, just as Danielle, that this film will open up doors for other movies with all black casts because we definitely need more.  I commend (the nerve of me, huh? Commending someone such as he lol) Lucas on wanting to "show teenage boys that there are real, inspirational American heroes".

Will you be going to support this film?  What are your feelings on the lack of black films in the theaters?  Isn't it a shame it took 23+ years and $93 million to get this out?  Let's talk!

Twitter is Our Friend

The Internet gives me friends that don't even know I exist.  Hold on.  I'm not a creep or anything.  No, just a multi-tasking social media junkie who probably needs an intervention...soon.  At any given moment of any time of the day, you can catch either my BlackBerry or iPod glued to my hand (maybe even both at the same time) and bet your very last dollar that I'm checking either Twitter, for which I have the app for each device respectively, or Instagram.  It's pretty bad, I know.

Social media has proven to be the craze of the nation.  Almost everyone is doing it and I'm willing to bet all have tried at least once.  As creepy as it may seem to allow someone into your personal space via social networks like Twitter or Facebook, I'm an advocate for it.  I learn something new from the people I follow on Twitter daily (a lot of which is sheer f*cketry but entertaining nonetheless).  I am introduced to a lot of different viewpoints from some of the genius minds that make up my followers.  Honestly, I don't see myself joining any other network and taking it as seriously as I have Twitter.

On average, I update my RSS Reader with one new blog/site per week.  About 85% of the feeds I am subscribed to, I learned of through Twitter.  One of the most recent was Venus Genus.  I was hipped to this site through @Ms_She, the hilariously funny voice behind Random Epiphanys (came up on her blog by reading a book review she did on A Belle in Brooklyn).

Venus Genus's creator, Dash, is an amazing journalist whose work I have come to admire.  She recently gathered up a group of her friends (four guys and two other girls) to discuss their views on monogamy and relationships over dinner and drinks.  Lately, I've been struggling with my stance on both of these topics so of course when it came across my timeline, I clicked on it.

My initial thought upon watching the video was, 'Aw...I wish I could have conversations like this with my friends'.  Don't take that to mean that my friends are complete idiots because they're far from it.  Just right now, the four of us are at different stages in our lives that prevent us from gathering in such a setting.  Then I began to think back on my days in college and how the schools that I attended were not fulfilling enough for me.  I didn't get to meet people like the ones in the video where I could go to a restaurant and have these deep conversations bordering debates.  Instead, I was the student-athlete who allowed my creativity to be stifled while I allowed people from different backgrounds to entertain me and my thoughts.

I wanted what they had on the video.

As I continued to watch, I felt as if I were apart of their conversation.  I found myself laughing out loud at some of their jokes, agreeing with some of their statements as well as disagreeing.  Hell, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought I was sharing a meal with them.

Is it weird that I long for conversations like that?  Where everyone is engaged and I'm not just getting bits and pieces.  My best friend and I do it all the time through BBM but when I try to comprise a group of people in my mind who I can share that same connection with, I hit a wall.

This brings me back to my first point about Twitter being such a great place to hang out...lol.  I have random conversations with complete strangers without leaving the comfort of my home.  Of course, I have to practice the art of being concise, as I have to relay the message in 140 characters or less but it works.  I love that I can get the advice I need from writers/journalists I admire, as well as network with ones I don't really know yet.  It also allows me to market myself on a large platform with my own writing endeavors (http://www.kidshealthclubmagazine.com <<<shameless plug lol).  Twitter is a stroke of genius I tell you!

In closing, I say this to Twitter: thank you for being all that you are.  I pray that you don't let any other site come along and make you as obsolete as you have done Facebook...

...that's all I have right now...

If you're interested in checking out the videos from Venus Genus, you can do so below.  They're broken up into two videos, both of which are 30+ minutes long.  Don't be so quick to exit out though.  They're worth it.

Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xmx1ATP7dY&feature=colike

*sorry.  Couldn't embed the video for part 2.  Just click the link and it'll send you there.*

Black Girl Pain

I like to think that I have a lot of innocence left in me. A little naïveté mixed with downright fear to grow up. A few times before I have shared with you all how becoming an adult scares me as well as how it consumes my thoughts about 80% of the day. I'm sure that this anxiety is natural among recent college graduates who are still in that transitioning phase.

Maintaining one's innocence isn't completely bad in my eyes. In my case, it adds mystery and often makes for a great talking point. On the converse side of things though, I sometimes trick myself into believing I'm not good enough for someone as a result of the lack of experience I possess and not just in a sexual realm. I couldn't be far more from the truth.

Once your innocence it's lost, it is pretty much gone forever. At least that's what us young ladies are told when it comes to being intimate. From youth, it is pretty much forced upon us to wait until marriage because as a child of God that's what we're supposed to do. Sex is the gift that God gives to married couples and the bond that is shared between the two while making love cannot be achieved in any other setting.

Nowdays, sex is viewed as a sport. Boys aren't encouraged to preserve their innocence as they are immune to the double standard where too many sexual partners equates to a promiscuous individual. Instead, they are praised for their sexual liaisons. The girls are the ones who are plagued with that stigma and are subject to punishment or even death is some countries.

I work with at risk teens in a rough area of Chicago's south side. As a young woman who grew up 45 minutes away in the suburbs, you can imagine how much of an adjustment this was for me. One of my roles as a youth coordinator at this center is to be a mentor to the young women, aged 13-17. Weekly, I have the option of meeting with them in a group setting where we can talk about whatever. Basically, give them an opportunity to discuss things they can't otherwise with adults.

On the surface, it seems simple. Now that I'm in it and I know the type of girls I'm dealing with, not so much. For starters, I have to gain the respect of these young ladies, most of which are mothers already. I'm 23 with no children in sight. Hell, not even on the horizon. Then I have to get them comfortable enough with me where they would want to discuss any aspect of their lives with me.

I have never been in this position before. Yes, it's uncomfortable and scary. I'm only a few years older than them and Lord knows they probably know more about sex than I do. Hell, I still haven't had the prerequisite talk about the birds and the bees.

As much as I want to stress to them that it's ok not to grow up too fast, I can't. I want them to know that waiting is actually respected. I want them to explore areas outside their neighborhood. Most of them have yet to leave the city. They are from a completely different world than I am and I have to meet them at their level and try to relate.

Despite my being afraid, I know that this is God's way of bringing out the leader in me. I would love to be looked at as a mentor to all of the girls I work with but if all I reach is one, that's fine too. I know that I won't get that notoriety though being afraid or feeling inadequate. I have to face the fear then fight it.