Delusions of Grandeur

Starting out, things are beautiful. Butterflies flutter aimlessly about your mid-section as you fight hard to contain the wide smile struggling to get out. The impossible is easy to you; no task too great to accomplish.

...and you do it all because you're in love...

Things of importance become an afterthought with no regard. Pressing tasks are forever put on hold. It can wait.

...love can't...

Any spare time you have is now reserved for the eye of your affections. Phone calls and text messages go unanswered. Your presence from the microcosm that is social media vanishes instantly. The outside world no longer exists to you.

...and it's because of love...

Soon, the newness will fade and reality will begin to make itself visible. Now that the rose colored glasses have been lowered from your lovestruck face, you're forced to see the real. Only now do you realize things aren't what they seem.

Still, you continue giving your all, figuring things will come together. Hell, you're in love. That shit is supposed to surpass all, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be loved by you? What you give is an all-encompassing kind of love that is a joy to share. To see the look on their face after your many random acts of kindness brings a smile to your face every time. 

It almost makes you forget their imperfections.

Even with the obvious staring you right back in the face, you ignore it.  You make yourself believe in the fantasy you've created. You have to. The romantic inside won't let you do otherwise. Instead, you proceed accordingly, reminding yourself of the world you live in when reality rears it's ugly head. You enjoy it while you can and fall back when you can't.

You wish you could have your way but the truth of the matter is no matter how hard you love, how open and unconditional it is, it will never change the circumstance.

In this particular case, your love does not surpass all...

Point of No Return

What happens when the thrill is gone? A change of heart has happened and you're left choking on words that desperately need to come out. The possible reaction from him scares you into silence.

Things are no longer the same and the fact that he should be the ideal choice for you is exactly what you're not sure about anymore. He's too safe for you. What does that even mean? The fact that you believe the statement is even worse.

You feel censored whenever he's around. Yes, you're a lady but from time to time, your inner sailor likes to be set free, allowing curses to flow unabashedly.

Thoughts float around on whether or not you could ever learn to love someone for the sake of having them right now. Your sanity screams HELL NO! That may not be the best option, especially if you're easily agitated. His idiosyncrasies will annoy you. But the romantic in you--the one who keeps you in trouble--persuades you relentlessly, pleading in so many ways how this thing could work.

Don't believe that traitor!

Again, you're left with thousands of unspoken words. Sifting through them in search of the right ones proves to be a task that threatens an incurable migraine. This all is much more than you bargained for the day you watched him cross the parking lot clutching a black leather binder dressed in a light blue button up tucked neatly into a pair of brown dress slacks. You thought he was cute as he adjusted his glasses, making his way to the front door of the building.  The way he kept to himself drew you in to want more. You told yourself that he was someone you needed to know for yourself.

Right before you feel like you've found a sense of sanity, self conscious thoughts saunter into view. What is wrong with you? Why do you always push the good ones away? You swear it's unintentional because you hate being the heartbreaker.

It just sort of happens...

Initial interest is expressed. Dates were had. Boredom has struck, settled in and taken over. Now, you're left, searching for the right way to say, "This isn't working."

Having Options When It Comes to Dating

For the past couple weeks I have been back and forth when it comes to dating--completely different from being in a relationship--more than one person at a time. Being the kind of person I am, feelings of guilt will begin to surface and sooner or later, I'll fade to black on one, if not both, of the suitors.

I fully understand that I'm obligated to neither but something in me still feels wrong while "talking" to two guys when in reality, all I'm doing is getting to know them better. Some of the relationship experts I follow say that you should be honest with whomever you're dating, making sure they know what it is up front. Others think that it's none of the their business--date who you want and if you choose to be intimate, protect yourself.

While I agree with both, I'm not sure which one would fit for me.

While catching up on Anslem Rocque's (aka Naked With Socks On) blog, Date Knight, he hipped me to a new book, called The Gaggle, which encourages women not to focus on just one man when searching for Mr. Right. Instead, the author suggests you cultivate a group of men who fulfill different needs in your life until you find the one.

“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” Massa explains. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.” --Jessica Massa, author

When it comes to dating, I try to follow the Golden Rule and treat people how I would want to be treated but Massa's words make a lot of sense. My issue, then, would be how do I part with the feelings of guilt? Do I let each 'Him' know he's not the only one trying to be the only one or do I keep it to myself? What about when it's time to make a decision?! I have always been the type to care about other people's feelings, especially when it is in regards to me. I don't like being the bad guy. This is both a blessing and a curse and a huge part of the reason that this is such a dilemma for me.

What to do y'all? What to do??

When dating, are you honest about the other people you are seeing? Why or why not? Do you feel guilty if you don't? And if you do choose to share, does it create tension or do things seem easier between you and the people you date? Let's discuss.

*if you want to read the full article on the book, click here*

Viral Violence

I am so over the Youtube videos showcasing violence, especially the ones where women are the victims. This is not a feminist post or me standing on my soapbox talking about why, in no way, is violence against women okay (although I don't condone it). Nor is this me justifying the behavior of these men. It's just me simply saying that I'm tired of seeing it. This is me being aware of the disconnect in society; me trying to find something to fill these gaping holes in the world we live in.

Just a couple of weeks ago, both my Twitter and Instagram timelines went crazy with links and screenshots of the bus driver who uppercut the shit out of an unruly woman. I watched, in utter disbelief, wondering why. Why no one stopped him (namely the man that was standing next to the woman before she got hit). Why the driver felt the need to respond to the passengers antics at all. And, most importantly, why he felt an uppercut would be most effective. In NO WAY was that blow okay. Hell, boxers, who get paid to punch other boxers rarely use that punch.

This evening, on my way home from a fun night, my friend/coworker sent me a video link, which I knew from the title, would not be something that I would enjoy.

 "Watch Lil Reese #GBE300 Beating Up a B*tch"

I shook my head as I pressed play, as if the title weren't enough.

Here, see for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvKENK5xqm8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

To say that I'm sad would be an understatement. The state of the world we live in is simply terrible. The fact that all but one person was standing around as if this were normal behavior is ludicrous to me. Judging from the conversation, the victim didn't want him (assailant) in what appeared to be a house party because he had a gun. When she confronted him about it, things got way out of hand. Before you're able to really process what the discrepancy is about, all you see are a barrage of punches being thrown as she is backed into the wall, trying to shield herself.

"Get up outta here, b*tch. Get up outta here." 

That's all I heard over another girl repeatedly screaming, "Wait!" as she tried to stop the boy from landing very accurate kicks and punches to the victim's face. In fact, the only person I saw attempt to break up the attack was the girl.

In my opinion, violence towards women is never okay. Hell, no one should put their hands on anyone unless it's your own child that you're reprimanding. Some people believe that if a woman is man enough to put her hands on a man then she deserves what follows. I'm not saying I agree but I let's be clear--I know better than to physically challenge a man.

Having watched the video a few times, I am seriously at a lost for words. What went wrong? Where was the ball dropped? We have become an unruly people who do not respect people, let alone authority. [Respect] has been lost. Long gone. If I didn't fear for our future before, I do now. Most of the youth today are destructive and don't give a damn. It is really enough to bring me to tears when I sit and think about all the lost and hurting souls, roaming aimlessly about the streets.

How do we begin to help them? How can we?

What You Want Vs. What You Need

photo credit: vindicarlo.com

How does this thing work? We meet, date, and fall in love? Well what if it doesn't come right away? Am I supposed to wait for the feeling to settle in the pit of my stomach, fluttering around all crazy like? If I don't feel the butterflies immediately, am I allowed to move on? If not, what's the customary waiting period?

A few months have passed 

and a considerable amount of time has been spent

We both enjoy each other's company 

but I'm afraid that's where it ends with me
What about the other stuff? 

Dating is good. I actually love the idea of it all but let's be real. Humans are physical creatures by nature. We're attracted to what looks good. We have to be turned on in more ways than one. Liking you because you're easygoing and because you make me laugh is cool but I want to lust after you a lot a little.

You see, I learned that the men we date are separated into two categories (word to that Belle up in Brooklyn). The first type is A, aka, boyfriend/hubby material. Then there's the B type. Some would call him the no nothing ass nigga or maybe even a boo thang. Demetria Lucas, a.k.a. Belle, couldn't have said it better in her book: B, at best, is a one-night stand on vacation. 

*she also used a Sex and the City reference; A for Aidan, B for Big, to give you a clearer understanding of the two*

Instead of treating him like such, some of us ladies tend to look past the dysfunction in an attempt to build a solid relationship with him, leaving A blowing in the wind.

My dilemma comes in when I want to lust after A like I would B. What happens if/when I never feel that lust for A? Do I just stick him in the friend zone where he may already be too comfortable? Or do I wait? Belle already warned us to never leave an A for a B (I know Carrie ultimately left Aidan for Big in SATC but look how long it took for them to get it right. Multiple seasons AND two movies,one of which she was stood up at the altar?? Who has that kinda time??).

If the world doesn't stop for A like it does when I'm with or even thinking about B, is that a bad sign? Part of me wants to say no because the thing with B is one based off lust from jump. Everything with him is top speed. You act first and think about the repercussions later with little to no regard. With A, more time is spent digging through the others' layers in an attempt to break through that guarded heart.

Because things are supposed to progress at a slower rate with A, does that include the lusty feelings too?

People always say that the nice guys finish last and from the description of the two types in Belle's book, I totally agree. I know women who will stop the world for their B one minute and be crying the next because he kept pushing with his. Hell, I've been one! As Belle said, everything is different between these two men, one glaring difference being the sex. It's not just about the sex , of course, but with all that emotion, could it be anything other than mountain-moving? It's not the kissy, lovey-dovey, nice only-in-the-bedroom- sex you have with A; this is Pinky-Cherokee--Italia Blue pornographic. And you love it!

This has the potential to be a real dilemma. It's been a question swimming in my head for weeks now. What is it about the B type that is so magnetic? In your sanest of moments, you know that he is no good for you. He'll leave you flustered throughout the day as a result of his inconsistency and evasive speech. Or maybe he's too blunt for you, saying whatever he feels whether it hurts your feelings or not. Either way, you still answer when he calls.

The A type is the one you know you should give a real chance to but for whatever reason, you won't can't. He's the type you wouldn't want to risk a friendship with by taking things further. He's the safety net.

Is it possible that there can be men out there who possess both of these traits? One who's everything that A is with bits of B sprinkled throughout. Could I be asking for too much?

I need answers y'all. Insight. Something!

You Can Still Be Who You Wish You Was...

As a child, I learned early on not to question adults. My mother made sure that I understood that this was unacceptable. Now, she has never been strict or even overbearing; she simply laid the ground rules early on and because I understood them, she and I continue to foster a good relationship to this day.

Now that I'm older, having experienced a few things in my two and a half decades on this earth, I kind of regret the fact that I followed the rules so succinctly.

Earlier today, I finished Staceyann Chin's memoir, The Other Side of Paradise. In it, she opens up about the most personal events of her life growing up in Jamaica. Her mother abandoned her and her older brother, Delano. Her Chinese father, to this day, never claimed her as his own. As her grandmother grew older she was no longer able to care for the two young children on her own. Eventually, the trio had to split up, landing Staceyann in the house of relatives she hardly knew. She was molested by older cousins and teased for her light complexion by them and peers. Her childhood left a lot to be desired.

I shared her anger and frustration with her family, asking myself over and over 'why do people--children--have to go through this?'

I was first introduced to Chin's work when I read Rebecca Walker's Black Cool, a compilation of essays from writers describing what they thought it meant to be black and cool. In her essay, titled 'Authenticity', Chin tells us how she became the loud, outspoken, Jamaican born lesbian that she is. She makes sure we understand that she is proud of the woman she is and she gives us insight on why it was so important for her to accept who she was, regardless of what others thought.

"I only know that to be me, to remain true to that self I adore, I must say my truth out loud. If I don't I will be someone else. And it has been forever since I have wanted to be that. I have my own cool now" (Black Cool, p. 119).

Having read that essay and the memoir, I can't help but admire her as a woman. I actually wish I was like her in some instances. She challenged everyone on anything, regardless of if it was her business or not. Chin was not afraid to speak her mind, finding herself in a lot of trouble with her elders. The fact that she never showed fear of getting in trouble pissed them off more. Instead of taking the time to explain things so that her young mind could understand, she often received beatings, in an attempt to drive the devil inside of her out.

As for me, I pretty much accepted everything that was presented to me as truth. I refrained from asking questions, especially about Christianity, because you're not supposed to question God and I was a child; I simply did as I was told. As I think back on my childhood, I feel as if I crippled myself. Today, I'm timid. I calculate my movements, avoiding anything that resembles confrontation. I shy away from debates, friendly or heated, because I feel like my opinion won't be valid.

Throughout the entire book, I felt that Chin knew exactly who she was as a woman, regardless of her disconnect with her parents. She didn't let their mistakes handicap her, stifling her growth as a woman. Even after she made the decision to migrate to New York, leaving behind the hypocrisy of her country and her tumultuous past, she found room in her heart to forgive her mother for the way she left things. She even continued to conduct a relationship with her "father", even if it was business-like.

Staceyann Chin could very well be listed as one of my favorite writers now. There aren't many I feel connected to. But I guess that's the point when you pen your life's story; everyone feels like they know you. I'm always thankful when someone feels it is necessary to share their own stories for the betterment of someone else, someone they may never get the opportunity to meet. I'm thankful that she has sparked something in the usually timid Erika, provoking her to be more vocal about what she's feeling. I'm thankful that she has helped her to realize that her opinion does matter.

For whatever reason, I am thankful that she wrote this memoir.

Check out below as Chin talks briefly about her memoir, The Other Side of Paradise:

Inner City Blues: Chaos in The City of Wind

Chicago has made itself a home in the news this summer, breaking records, I'm sure. Between the debacle that is Lil Jojo and Chief Keef to senseless and seemingly never ending gun violence in the city to the Chicago's Teachers Union's decision to go on strike, we just cannot seem to get a break. It hurts my heart to see the city I have grown to love fall apart like this.

Each year, during the summer months especially, the news is filled with stories of senseless deaths due to gun violence. Just this summer alone, there have been over 300 deaths as a result of shootings. Since the beginning of this year, there have been 1,706 shooting since as of September 2. This has become such an issue that it is no longer local news; now, other cities are getting wind of the foolishness that goes on here. It's embarrassing, to say the least. Over the past few days, I've checked Twitter sporadically, each time I watched as others expressed their disdain.

The Chicago Teacher Union's decision to strike has seemed to add fuel to the fire. Parents and school officials alike are outraged that the teachers could be so "inconsiderate", choosing to go on strike the night before the second week of classes were scheduled to start (tomorrow, September 13, will mark the fourth day of the strike).

Michael Butz, CPS Parent: I am the parent of a CPS 3rd grader. I support our teachers 100 percent, but I am terribly disappointed in the CTU's decision to strike after receiving a contract offer which was fair to all parties which have a stake: children, teachers, parents and taxpayers.

People are anticipating more violence during the strike as a result of hundreds of thousands of CPS students now out of school, looking to place the blame on the teachers.

I get that there are two sides to every story. Decisions to implement longer school days so the children can have more time to learn coupled with the decision to have stricter evaluations for the teachers doesn't seem fair. I'm sure that the teachers are not happy that their students are probably out roaming the streets when they could be learning but there is obviously a need that is not being met. Seventy five thousand dollars a year is nearly not enough for what they're are up against in the classroom. I've worked with students who attend Chicago Public Schools; it is NOT an easy task. I understand what these teachers have to put up with for eight hours a day.

I also understand that the city is facing is up against it's own financial crisis. The city is facing an $8.1 billion deficit while the state of Illinois has accumulated $43.8 billion in debt. These numbers make it almost impossible to meet the demands of these overworked and underpaid teachers. What's to be done in this kind of situation?

I hate the impression other cities have of us. I feel as if they fear us in the sense that this a place they'll never want to visit, which is a shame because we have one of the most beautiful cities in North America. Two years ago, the Huff Post ranked us #4 on their list of top 10 best cities. I feel like we're being judged and it doesn't sit well with me.

I have no idea what Mayor Emanuel plans to do or how he plans to go about it but I pray a decision is made soon regarding this strike (for the same of being realistic: by the end of the week). as for this on going violence among each other--I'm at a lost for words. I don't know what could be done to end it altogether short of Jesus' return.

How do we save our city?