As of late, I've been feeling both constricted and restricted. Like someone has actually placed me inside this box with dimensions so small that it's impossible to breathe as I'll take up needed space. I don't like this feeling at all and the issue I have with that is the fact that I cannot seem to find a way to free myself. In the midst of my newfound claustrophobia, I also feel exposed in many aspects. I lack privacy and that is something I need to help maintain sanity. Just some place where I can listen to my music and daydream uninhibited. My current situation will not grant me that serenity and it's truly driving me insane.
Home is supposed to one's sanctuary; where they go to get away from the frustrations of the world. In my case, it's the exact opposite. I look forward to leaving for the day to rid myself of the frustrations here. Today, on my way home from work, helped solidify my feelings. As I got in the car, I found I had an instant shift in moods because I knew I was headed back to chaos for the evening. It is as if I live amongst a pseudo-like family who pretends that everything is everything when really,uy we're divided. You can feel it.
Oftentimes, I imagine myself being apart of another family but it never fully works out because I honestly wouldn't trade my mother for anyone in the world. So, I guess it would be like my mom and me apart of another family...I don't know...That would be kind of selfish... I just wish that circumstances were different...Like, two weeks ago. She always says that we're building our testimony and considering all that we've endured over the past 10-12 years, we're gonna reap one helluva blessing. Is it wrong that I want to put in a rush delivery on that joint?
I try to remain faithful in all this and as long as my mother hasn't broken down or given up, I feel that I have no need or right to but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get frustrated. So frustrated that there are things I want to say that I won't because of the people I know who read my blog. (I learned in my media writing class that as a blogger, I should not tell family & friends that I have one; that way I'll be able to write freely. Should've listened).
I've been trying to make my current situation my motivation to finally make a decision about my future. I'm not 100% sure if it's working yet but it will. I am thankful to God for being a provider for my family and me and I know he will continue to take care of us. I don't want to say that I'm tired of waiting because that'd be rude but....
I commend my mother on her strength, determination, belief and faith in God because if I know if I were her, I'd have been a teary mess a long time ago. Her resilience is like no other woman I've ever known and whether she knows it or not, she is teaching me exactly what I need to know to become the woman I am destined to be.
Ultimately, I just want to be happy again. Haven't been feeling like myself lately. For a long time actually. No one should ever dread having to go home even if it is just to sleep and prepare for the next day. My music and the words I share here with you are my little piece of sanity and as I am glad to have you as my sounding board, I don't want to bog down your shoulders forever with my tears.
Thanks for listening...
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