I Reminisce Over You...

image source: startupprincess.com

You always get the best of my emotions.  Your smile is enough to send me back to the beginning just to replay our time spent together in slow motion.  A man of few words, your stare told me all I needed to know.
The feelings reciprocated...
I often entertain myself with the what ifs only to grow sad because you're no longer mine.

What if you were patient? 

What if I wasn't afraid? 

What if...?

Sweet memories set the tone for this pleasant mood that has me standing outside of Marvin's Room, trying to ignore the call from within.
As I reach for the door, I realize I enjoy the euphoric feeling I experience when daydreaming about our possibilities.
We're separated by hemispheres along with your new found love...
Me, I'm left with memories and empty pages to fill...
Sometimes, you're generous enough to let me in, telling me the secrets you have when it comes to me
& the future you imagined for us...

"...You should have let me know"

I want to go back and say the words we never said
Do the things we never did
Instead, we let silent cuddles occupy our time and though they were perfect then
I'm overflowing with words now

"It once was beautiful, but now I have no clue

What’s left of us?
Time that we shared, always growing slim..."


I'm learning to accept that our timing was off years later
We were granted a glimpse of what could still be...

"I could've made it better...you should've let me know..."

Dear Desire (a peek inside of my mind)

You're one of the few I'd travel back in time for...

Me being afraid of the unknown kept my heart in a glass case.  Many times, I wanted to just let go but my mind told me otherwise.  I was unsure of your intentions.  

That's not true.  

I was terrified of our potential.

At the time, I was all, "We know what it is..." but now, I'm discovering the opposite.  Words never said were lost in lustful stares as you lay in my lap, that boyish grin tugging at my heart.  Your eyes were big enough for me to get lost in and your hugs proved to be everything I needed all the time.
I hate that I didn't spend more time there.

image source: Black_couple_cuddling.jpg

With you, I experienced intimacy the way I needed to 

but still, I found a reason to hold back.  Fear is a bitch yo.

You told me that things happen for a reason and I wish I knew what ours was; both the beginning and the end.

On the days you find your way into my head, I find myself stuck knee deep in memories.  I hold back the urge to tell you because now, it is inappropriate.  Instead, I lay there with a smile and dreamy eyes, imagining you laying on top of me, arms wrapped tight around me.  The scent of you tickling my nostrils as we exist in silence, our breathing being the only noise in the room.

Moments like those, I live for...to this day, you're the only one I can share them with.

image source: wwwh.theharlemsocialite.com

We were such a perfect fit for the other and every time I think of you, I miss you more.

You're the one that got away...

Would you have been willing to start a new life here with me, leaving your old one behind to give us the chance we deserved?  How I wish I could find out.  If given the chance, I'd do you all over again

...and again
...and one more time after that
...No holds barred

image source: black‑art.jpg

We often joke that if we were ever in the same place again, we'd have our moment.  After a long conversation between my heart and mind, I decided that won't happen because if I can't have you past that, I won't even torture myself with those sweet memories.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I wonder how it would play out though...

You show tons of promise ;)

When Is It OK for a Woman to Lead?

A few months back I consulted a certified relationship expert & life coach on her opinion regarding this issue.  I had recently met and exchanged numbers with a guy and while the communication was good, he had yet to propose a date for us to spend time face to face.  I filled the expert in on the back story and proceeded to ask was it okay for me to either flat out ask why hadn't he asked me out yet or simply invite him out.

The answer was simple.

"Do NOT ask him out.  Instead, ask him what he is waiting on."  

I get it.  This dating thing is all about playing your role.  As the woman, I'm supposed to sit back and be pursued while the man is supposed to, well, pursue.  The issue lies in me not believing in that theory 100%.  While I do like the idea of chivalry and good ol' romancipation (word to Musiq Soulchild), I'm an advocate of going for what you want.  Times have changed since the submissive Stepford Wife days.  Women have transitioned into new roles, taking matters into their own hands, doing the whole 'independent' thing.  While we have proved to everyone that we can provide for ourselves without the help of a man, the fact still remains that we do want and need them.

Yes, I said we need them.  Despite what your independent selves may think, men and women need each other *cues Jill Scott's "The Fact Is (I Need You)*.  But that's another post for another day.

While I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline this morning, I came across something that made me think and serves as the inspiration for this post.

It makes perfect sense.  As the saying goes, "a closed mouth don't get fed" and we all know that none of us possess the skill of clairvoyance so in order for our feelings to be heard, we have to voice them.

Dating is much too strategic for me and I'm not even doing it for real yet.  There are far too many rules of engagement involved.  I already have enough to worry about regarding myself; now I have to factor in another person and their life too?! *insert exaggerated eye roll here*

Fellas, would you think a woman too forward if she asked you out first?  How long do you wait to ask a lady out?  Ladies, are you opposed to asking a man out for the first time?  Do you believe gender roles and letting a man lead or are you a self starter?

Let's discuss this so I can have some notes to refer to in the future *wink*

A Dream Deffered...

"People have been to the moon.  I can do anything I want.  

Who are you to tell me I can't?" 

~Marcel Blunt

When I was little, there were always scenes replaying in my mind of a life I didn't have yet.  If you asked any child at my age what they wanted to be when they grew up, you would virtually get the same answer: 

 "I wanna be a doctor." 

"I'm going to be a lawyer." 

 Myself, I never had a definite answer because there was so much that I could imagine myself doing.  I could never decide on one.

Once I started playing basketball seriously, I was leaning towards a professional career.  I would watch as many WNBA & NCAAW games as I could.  I was a diehard fan for the Houston Comets (Sheryl Swoopes & Tina Thompson were so dope to me!).  As far as college hoops, I rocked with Pat Summit and the Lady Vols all day long although I shared an affinity for Geno and the Lady Huskies.

As is true form for me though, I eventually lost interest in hoops and my dream to play for both the Lady Vols and the Comets. I found another passion that I wanted to pursue.  By my freshman year of high school I had already decided what college I would go to and when the time came, I applied and was accepted.  As I sat at my desk and read the acceptance letter over and over, reality set in.  I, nor my parents could afford this school.  Financial aid didn't prove to be much help unless you call $30,000 per semester in loan money assistance.

Rejecting that school was a tough decision for me.  I was at a crossroad in my life, staring my destiny in the face.  I did not want to put that financial pressure on neither myself nor my parents.  As a result, I accepted a basketball scholarship to a junior college 20 minutes away from my house.  There are times when I regret my decision because I feel as if I took the easy way out.  A lot of my peers were struggling to make it work (the even bigger question here is why do students have to struggle to better themselves anyway).  Who was I to think I didn't have to do the same?  I feel as if I robbed myself of the college experience I would have received at my first (and only) choice.  Other times, I am at ease with my choice because I met some wonderful people that led to a few opportunities for myself.

Since my graduation, I am at yet another crossroad, stuck between putting my degree to work immediately or furthering my education at the graduate level.  The issue with the latter lies in the money--again as well as the  resounding 'No' that I have heard from the adults in my life.  Let me rephrase because all but one actually said no.  With the others, it was implied.  They don't think it 'safe' for me to travel as far as I want to go.  

"What's wrong with going to school here?"  Because it's not there...  

"Why so far?" Because it's where I want to be...

Why is it acceptable for a man to be granted his autonomy but when it comes to women, something simple like relocating to start a life is frowned upon?  Why are things suddenly unsafe then?  Why are people so afraid to branch outside of the confines of their state's line?  There is so much world to see and people are content in staying in the same place forever.

Often times I let fear prevent me from doing a lot. Deep down, I yearn to be a carefree individual.  I want to do things when I feel like it because I feel like it, not waiting around for the unnecessary approval of someone else. 

I'm working on letting go.

The quote at the beginning of the post is one that has been floating around in my mind for the better half of two weeks now.  It tells me that the sky is not the limit and that whatever my dream may be, I can have it.  I cannot continue to live my life making sure everyone else around me is satisfied because in the end, I'm the one who has to live with the results.

"You're never stuck even when you think you're stuck.  Usually it just means you let fear take over the wheel." 

~Arielle Loren via Twitter

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

You Give Me Butterflies...or not

As nature would have it, I am probably one of the most emotional creatures you will ever meet.  I try very hard to cover it up with my asshole like tendencies but deep down, I'm a hand-holding, forehead kiss loving, call me in the middle of the day or night to tell me you miss me romantic.  It's borderline sickening at best.

On my commute home from work today, my mind wandered to past "situations" I've had.  I recalled how things began between us, what happened during our time spent and why we are no longer together to this day.  Each situation was something different but ultimately, it boiled down to one of two things: either I became bored with the monotony of it all or there was no real spark between us.  It got me to thinking about the idea of love at first sight, butterflies, and all that other cliche stuff that romantics like me seem to thrive off of.

Is it possible to experience love at first sight?  Thinking back, I cannot recall a time when I've felt that.  Lust, yes, but definitely not love.  I don't think it's possible to love someone at first sight and I roll my eyes whenever I hear someone say, "I've loved you since the moment I saw you..."  If my label as a hopeless romantic has to be snatched because of that, so be it.  The idea of love itself is complicated when you've actually found and spent a considerable amount of time with someone so to feel it standing next to someone in line at Starbucks is unfathomable to me.

It takes a lot of time for me to open up when it comes to romantic relationships and that calls for a ton of patience from whoever I'm involved with.  Those in my past can attest to that.  Some may label me as scared of the possibilities and while a portion of that may be truth, I call it me being careful.  I need to be just about 100% positive that I'm ready to enter into a relationship before I start tossing around labels and whatnot.  I'm entitled to take as much time as I need.

The fact that we are all a bunch of over sexualized beings is no secret.  People are so quick to jump into the physical benefits of a relationship before cultivating a genuinely platonic one and at that point, one cannot turn back to start over.  Most think they can but once you dive in that deep, it's pretty much a wrap and the never-ending cycle begins.

So what happens when you don't feel that initial spark?  Is it doomed from the start or are you supposed to wait until the butterflies shed the proverbial cocoon and begin to flutter?  I have said it once before but I wish there was some kind of book that instructed us on the ins and outs of this love thing because my head hurts every time I'm forced to think about it.  We need a Love for Dummies ASAP!  It has been said that I don't give guys a chance to, for lack of a better term, prove themselves to me and while I'll admit, I have been brief in my decision making a few times but the others were justified.  If I feel my time is being wasted, I'll promptly remove myself from the situation. Now, my exit strategy can use a little work...lol

I see how this can make me seem picky or even complicated but I swear to you that I'm not.  I do not require much and once you break through the first layer (or two *wink*), we should be fine.  Just keep me interested and I promise to do the same for you.

What are your thoughts?  Do you believe in love at first sight?  If you don't feel the connection right away, do you stick around and wait for it or are you on to the next one?  Do you think people should wait for the butterflies to come or make good use of their time?  I'd love to hear from you