Baiting the Hook

I hate shopping. As much as my mom tried to get me to enjoy the average woman's favorite past time, I never came around. She taught me how to apply a full face of make up and made sure I could walk in a decent pair of heels but I was partial to Nikes and sweats. All the girly things that were expected of me, I rebelled against but when the occasion called for a dress and some stacked stilletos, I acquiesced. I'm a simple girl and I like simple things but I am at an age now where I am considered potential dating material. There are things that must change.

Everyday, women are bombarded with society's standard of beauty. An airbrushed actress sporting couture fashion on the cover of my favorite magazine sends a subliminal message, suggesting this is how I should look. Inside, beauty tips await, along with fashion recommendations that will compliment my petite frame perfectly. All of this serves as the pre-cursor to snagging that eligible bachelor looking all delectable a few pages later.

Just a few years ago, I was all, "Why can't I just be comfortable?" and "I'm not trying to impress anyone at this school!" Now, I'm all, "I want a boyfriend!" At 24, I have yet to be in a real relationship. Gray area situations have occupied my time. I'm ready for something more solid now.

photo credit: http://bossip.com/455457/dear-bossip-my-man-has-a-wandering-eye-and-i-dont-like-it/man-staring-at-woman/

It is clear now that I have to give into those standards a little to get what I want. Men are visual creatures and they need to be enticed. That means I have to practice some of these beauty tips that I tend to overlook. I must stop shopping solely for Nike shorts and start experimenting with different nail colors on a bi-weekly basis. My locs, as much as guys love to try and put their fingers in them, need to vary in style.

Recently, I posed a question to my Twitter followers, asking how does one appear more available. The responses were ones I anticipated, encouraging me to get out more and look more inviting. Of course, I rolled my eyes until I came across the one that made me smile.

"Just be you. You're quite a catch."


Clearly, I am all for that idea but I've heard that there comes a time when you have to stop blaming the opposite sex for your lack of companionship and take a deeper look inward. The me that I have been all these years has left me in this current predicament so maybe I should try something new. I admit that I'm most comfortable in my own company. All I need is my iPod and I can tune the rest of the world out. I didn't realize--or maybe I did and just didn't care--how unavailable that makes me look. Who is going to approach me looking all pre-occupied and whatnot?

My laid back demeanor and background in sports has landed me in the friend zone with guys who I wouldn't have minded exploring my options with. During high school and college, I was not (too) worried about getting the attention from guys the other girls were vying for. And I refused to dress like some of them to get it. I'll never forget all the stares I got on prom night. I'm not unbelievably thick but I do look pretty amazing in a dress *wink wink*. No one knew I had what I did because up until that point, I was all hoop shorts and gym shoes. Granted, the extra attention was nice but even more overwhelming. I tend to shy away from the spotlight, part of the reason I was so anti-femininity back then.


Over the next few weeks, I'm going to try this availability thing and see how it goes. May even flirt a little more and see where that gets me. As of late, I've been inching my way into typical girly behavior; actually taking my time to look through the racks of clothes at the store and wearing a full face of subtly applied make up to church. If I want to attract a quality man, I have to present quality. I am aware that I do not need superficial things like make up or fashionable clothes, instead I'll use them to accentuate the features God has already blessed me with. I'm a big girl now and it's high time I start acting like one *wink wink*

Dreams Do Come True

Two days later and I have yet to come down from my euphoric-like state. My dreams came true a little after 7 p.m. on July 12, 2012. As I walked into the hotel lobby, I tried to regain control of my nerves all the while looking for the elevators that would take me to my destination. For two years, I've been impatiently waiting the day I'd get to meet the woman I consider a mentor in my mind.

Demetria Lucas has been my writing role model for about four years now. I have followed her blog A Belle in Brooklyn, kept up with her weekly column, Real Talk on essence.com and stalked the mailbox every month for the hard copy of the magazine so I could read everything with her name on it inside. It was her position as the Relationships Editor for Essence that brought her to the forefront of the public eye, namely young, black women like myself. Months later, she is basking in her own star power, traveling the country, promoting her first book and meeting up with her fans, affectionately known as "Belles" of their respective cities.

Her honestly raw relationship advice has catapulted her to the top of all of our favorite persons list. What is even more refreshing is her spirit. I was not sure what to expect while in her presence but I was very pleased to find she was the most down to earth person for someone of her caliber. Listening to her talk reminded me of conversations with my own best friend.

Her book, A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life is one year and one month old, having recently been re-released in paperback. I remember sitting in my dorm room, placing my pre-sale order, knowing full well that I would have to wait months before I could read it.

ABIB is not your typical self-help/relationship book. It reads like a memoir where the advice is subtly sprinkled through the author's experiences. She opens up a great deal, giving us all a look into her personal life, making her susceptible to meaningless criticism from judgmental people. I appreciate and admire her willingness to share very personal accounts of her life as a means of teaching.

The elevator whisked me and my two friends to the 33rd floor of the W Hotel and I stood on the far left side, trying to suppress a smile that was growing by the second, them on the other side trying to capture it all. The doors opened and I took a deep breath. Putting on my big girl face, I stepped off, heart pumping ferociously in my chest. I couldn't believe what was happening.

Proceeding with caution, I peeked inside the room, panning it for her. I noticed the wildly tamed 'fro first and once I realized she was staring directly at me, my heart stopped. On the inside, I turned into a complete groupie for her. I'm sure my face and eyes lit up, translating into me looking like a star struck child but I didn't care. Regaining composure, I found my book in my bag and she signed it. I'll never forget the way she looked me up & down, complimenting my flirty pink dress and nude wedge sandals.

"I love your dress. You look fabulous..." I beamed, returning her pleasantries.

was mad nervous right here...lol

For the rest of the night, she drew us all in with some bonafide girl talk. No holds barred as the drinks loosened up everyone's nerve (surprisingly, I was completely sober). Questions flowed endlessly and I was soaking it all in. I did not have many questions for her because for one, I knew what her answer would be to any potential ones I may have had. Secondly, I didn't want to say anything stupid so I just listened as she repeated advice I've seen her tweet or write about.

Although she and I had shared words and established that we are birthday twins (her words, not mine lol), I did not want this night to pass without asking her something.

Me: "Is it too forward for a woman to ask a man out?"

Her: "I wouldn't. Men respect what they have to work for and I've found that men who claim to admire a woman who approaches them first are typically looking to f*ck. If he is interested, he will ask you out."

For a few weeks, I've been going back and forth with myself on whether I should take the initiative and ask this crush of mine out. Numbers have long since been exchanged and interests expressed but conflicting work schedules will not allow us to be great. He works for the city so his hours are long, crazy and often unpredictable. 

My best friend and I call him Pitter Patter because that's exactly what my heart does whenever I see him or his name on my phone. Definitely too old to be having my breath snatched like that! Of course, he doesn't know he has me open like this but the attraction is crazy. He has told me during one of our many conversations that he will take me out once there was a break in his schedule and while I've been anticipating spending time with him, I have been occupying my time.

Lucas could not stress to us enough how important it is for us NOT to put all our eggs in one cliched basket.  "Please believe that while you're dating him, he's out dating someone else. You should too." She made it clear that that doesn't mean sleeping with every man you come to be involved with but get to know more than one person at a time, until a conversation on exclusivity comes into play.

That night, I learned that dreams do come true. I have been replaying the accounts of that evening nonstop since my eyes adjusted from the flash of the camera that captured my role model and I.  Shout out to both Elizabeth and Shequeta for being ride or die chicks, accommodating me in all of my groupie glory. 

This was, hands down, the best night of my life and an even better birthday week. 

Is my excitement showing??

You Give Me Butterflies...or not

As nature would have it, I am probably one of the most emotional creatures you will ever meet.  I try very hard to cover it up with my asshole like tendencies but deep down, I'm a hand-holding, forehead kiss loving, call me in the middle of the day or night to tell me you miss me romantic.  It's borderline sickening at best.

On my commute home from work today, my mind wandered to past "situations" I've had.  I recalled how things began between us, what happened during our time spent and why we are no longer together to this day.  Each situation was something different but ultimately, it boiled down to one of two things: either I became bored with the monotony of it all or there was no real spark between us.  It got me to thinking about the idea of love at first sight, butterflies, and all that other cliche stuff that romantics like me seem to thrive off of.

Is it possible to experience love at first sight?  Thinking back, I cannot recall a time when I've felt that.  Lust, yes, but definitely not love.  I don't think it's possible to love someone at first sight and I roll my eyes whenever I hear someone say, "I've loved you since the moment I saw you..."  If my label as a hopeless romantic has to be snatched because of that, so be it.  The idea of love itself is complicated when you've actually found and spent a considerable amount of time with someone so to feel it standing next to someone in line at Starbucks is unfathomable to me.

It takes a lot of time for me to open up when it comes to romantic relationships and that calls for a ton of patience from whoever I'm involved with.  Those in my past can attest to that.  Some may label me as scared of the possibilities and while a portion of that may be truth, I call it me being careful.  I need to be just about 100% positive that I'm ready to enter into a relationship before I start tossing around labels and whatnot.  I'm entitled to take as much time as I need.

The fact that we are all a bunch of over sexualized beings is no secret.  People are so quick to jump into the physical benefits of a relationship before cultivating a genuinely platonic one and at that point, one cannot turn back to start over.  Most think they can but once you dive in that deep, it's pretty much a wrap and the never-ending cycle begins.

So what happens when you don't feel that initial spark?  Is it doomed from the start or are you supposed to wait until the butterflies shed the proverbial cocoon and begin to flutter?  I have said it once before but I wish there was some kind of book that instructed us on the ins and outs of this love thing because my head hurts every time I'm forced to think about it.  We need a Love for Dummies ASAP!  It has been said that I don't give guys a chance to, for lack of a better term, prove themselves to me and while I'll admit, I have been brief in my decision making a few times but the others were justified.  If I feel my time is being wasted, I'll promptly remove myself from the situation. Now, my exit strategy can use a little work...lol

I see how this can make me seem picky or even complicated but I swear to you that I'm not.  I do not require much and once you break through the first layer (or two *wink*), we should be fine.  Just keep me interested and I promise to do the same for you.

What are your thoughts?  Do you believe in love at first sight?  If you don't feel the connection right away, do you stick around and wait for it or are you on to the next one?  Do you think people should wait for the butterflies to come or make good use of their time?  I'd love to hear from you

Is Therapy Stigmatic for African Americans?

This is my second time watching TV One's new show, Love Addiction.  My first reaction was: "Can women be this stupid?! No. Seriously.  I need answers."  But then after watching further, I see what the producers are trying to accomplish as well as the potential of the show altogether.

Each week the show focuses on a couple (all of which have been black to date), exposing the glaring faults in the relationships.  Friends and family members share their concern for the unhealthy characteristics they have noticed and stage a love intervention to help their loved ones finally see the light.

Now, for reasons stated above, I have a love/hate type relationship with this new reality series.  Ironically though, the things that make me hate it make me love it.

In my experience it seems that therapy among black people was somewhat taboo.  I find that with the current influx and popularity of relationship experts that we are starting to catch on.  Even I was under the impression that therapy sessions were solely for white people with deeply rooted psychological issues, as if blacks don't have the same problems.  Hell, we probably need it more given the many different issues and complexes we have to battle daily.

One of the biggest issues with black people, in my opinion, lie in successful relationships.  There are a lot of us who just don't know how to have one, what it takes to keep one or how to even get out of a not so good one.  The fact that these women (for the few episodes that I've seen, they're the "victims" in the situation) are forced to see what they choose to ignore is good.  Whether or not they are truly receiving what is being said is another show in itself.  Both men and women who grew up without their father in the home run the same risk of suffering from some form of abandonment issues.  Instead of seeking help to work through their complexities, they seek out a quick fix, almost always losing themselves in sex, bad relationships and/or other unhealthy activities.

As a young woman who was raised by my mother, I see and have seen instances where I could have fallen into the trap, trying to fill voids left by my parents' decision to split.  I could have easily been the girl who craves attention from men, thinking sex was the way to achieve that.  Thankfully, I have my mom and Jesus on my side.

I'm a firm believer that fathers are supposed to be their daughters' first love, showing them the game.  In some instances, my dad has shown me what I should look for and what I should tolerate when it comes to the man I choose to be in a relationship with.  I absolutely melt when I see a girl who is head over heels for her daddy and often wish i had that same luxury but instead of being bitter about the situation, I play the cards I've been dealt, in an attempt to make the most out of my situation.  Unfortunately, most girls don't possess that ability to compartmentalize what they're feeling long enough to function in a healthy manner.  This leaves them susceptible to a cycle of bad men and decision making.

Love Addiction is an enlightening series that I think everyone should check out at least once.  Aside from the seemingly ignorant fools they choose to showcase week after week, I vouch for the show and I hope that it helps people, especially black people, that we're not too good for therapy.  We all need someone to vent to and, in turn, we need good, sound and unbiased feedback.

Have you watched Love Addiction? What're your thoughts?  Are you against therapy?  Why or why not?  Feel free to check out the clip below if you aren't familiar with the show.