Self-discovery is essential in life and the fact that it is an ongoing process excites me even more. Life is one of those things one has to experience through trial and error; one of those things I feel you never quite figure out.
Being the person that I am, my days need to be filled with creative stimulation, doesn't matter the form. I have discovered that I do not function well under a monotonous routine, especially when it comes to work.
Eighth grade is about the time I discovered my passion. Over the years, with the help of my mother, I fed that passion, cultivating it in any way I could until I decided that this was something I could turn into a profession. Now, having graduated with a degree in this field, I need to hone in on my niché.
Initially, I was embarrassed for claiming to be a writer without having one. This blog is not geared towards anything specifically so I can cover whatever I want. But I need a lane. Something I can formulate into my own thing. Without a central theme, I feel like a scatterbrain and that cannot be good for a writer trying to find her way, can it?
I remember when I first fell in love with writing and how disciplined I was when it came to creating. I would spend hours in my mom's office, pecking away at the keyboard, working on a novel. I had floppy disks galore (this was clearly before I discovered the genius of the jump drive). My freshman year of high school, I used to hand write stories on loose leaf paper, using folders meant for class as book jackets.
I miss that dedication. I miss how freely my imagination roamed and how I took the time to actually cultivate characters and plots. I miss being inspired.
Somewhere along the lines, I lost my inspiration. I still love the art form, I just need to be reminded why. I need something to pull me back into those long, interrupted hours in front of the computer screen where I created my own little world.
Nothing mattered then...
Now, it seems like my mind can never slow down long enough to be creative. (Does that make sense?) Something is always coming up or I'm always out of time. I've been feeling that way a lot lately...
My current job takes up a lot of my time--time that I would love to re-dedicate to the rekindling of my passion but, I have responsibilities--obligations which require a steady paycheck.
Therein lies the root of the depression. I don't want my driving force to be out of necessity. I want my desire to succeed to derive from pure passion.
Am I asking for too much?
I admire that you have shared this, I sooooooooooo relate. There is never enough time to write or something else comes up and it's more important. Trust with a kid, job, husband and house to maintain, it gets rough. What you do have to do love is MAKE time and stop putting things before it, those other things will have to wait. As I'm writing this it is for myself as well. When Brandon and I were friends we would patrol you tube watching different videos that inspired us, but for me it's putting more effort and unfortunately I know it means some sleepless nights. You are a talented writer, you will find your lane, when you do you'll be unstoppable. Sometimes it just means carving out a half hour...baby steps lady. I believe in you.
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