...Your Dream's on the Other Side

Inspiration is everything.

The kind where you feel it in the pit of your stomach that you're on the brink of something great and you are literally bubbling over with excitement. I live for moments like those and at a time in my life where I felt like I had lost my muse, today, I found hope.

My best friend/editor in chief sat through three back to back meetings earlier this evening that left me feeling rejuvenated about my chosen career path. Lately, I've been feeling uninspired (hence the lack of blog posts here) and I longed for something to get me back to my normal self. The last meeting of the day, in particular, is what has me excited. The magazine I write for is currently in the process of prepping for our fourth issue. With a few changes on the horizon, we want to develop better ways to bring our audience more of what they want to see. We are looking to expand our staff, reaching out to others savvy in this business, ready to glean from each other.

Bestie was introduced to a fashion writer who we are looking to collaborate with in both our online and print issues. During the meeting, the excitement could be felt between the three of us. Bebe (Jones of RowASeat1) stated how impressed she was overall with the work we've done and how business oriented bestie is. She made the comment of how refreshing it is to see, each day, more of us (young black entrepreneurs) making things happen for ourselves.

The entire time the two of them were bouncing ideas off of one another, I was lost in my own thoughts of how excited I was to be apart of something like this. This is the kind of work I live for. I love any opportunity I get to meet new, young people, who are as passionate about this field as I.

So, with that being said, I apologize for the hiatus. I guess I kind of needed that break to re-evaluate and refocus the direction of this space. I've heard the saying before that it's important to keep like-minded people around you but after today, I truly understand. Those people are the ones who keep you motivated to be better versions of yourself. They're drive propels your own. I am thankful that God placed my best friend in my life eight years ago, otherwise, I would not be in this position. I'm thankful that she saw fit to include me in her vision and I could not be more happy to be apart of her team.

Muse Sick...

Self-discovery is essential in life and the fact that it is an ongoing process excites me even more. Life is one of those things one has to experience through trial and error; one of those things I feel you never quite figure out.

Being the person that I am, my days need to be filled with creative stimulation, doesn't matter the form. I have discovered that I do not function well under a monotonous routine, especially when it comes to work. 

Eighth grade is about the time I discovered my passion. Over the years, with the help of my mother, I fed that passion, cultivating it in any way I could until I decided that this was something I could turn into a profession. Now, having graduated with a degree in this field, I need to hone in on my niché.

Initially, I was embarrassed for claiming to be a writer without having one. This blog is not geared towards anything specifically so I can cover whatever I want. But I need a lane. Something I can formulate into my own thing. Without a central theme, I feel like a scatterbrain and that cannot be good for a writer trying to find her way, can it?

I remember when I first fell in love with writing and how disciplined I was when it came to creating. I would spend hours in my mom's office, pecking away at the keyboard, working on a novel. I had floppy disks galore (this was clearly before I discovered the genius of the jump drive). My freshman year of high school, I used to hand write stories on loose leaf paper, using folders meant for class as book jackets. 

I miss that dedication. I miss how freely my imagination roamed and how I took the time to actually cultivate characters and plots. I miss being inspired.

Somewhere along the lines, I lost my inspiration. I still love the art form, I just need to be reminded why. I need something to pull me back into those long, interrupted hours in front of the computer screen where I created my own little world. 

Nothing mattered then...

Now, it seems like my mind can never slow down long enough to be creative. (Does that make sense?) Something is always coming up or I'm always out of time. I've been feeling that way a lot lately...

My current job takes up a lot of my time--time that I would love to re-dedicate to the rekindling of my passion but, I have responsibilities--obligations which require a steady paycheck. 

Therein lies the root of the depression. I don't want my driving force to be out of necessity. I want my desire to succeed to derive from pure passion. 

Am I asking for too much?

Believe the Hype: The Best Man Holiday was Everything

From the late 90's to the mid 2000's, black romantic comedies were a staple in my life. Movies like Love Jones, The Brothers and Love & Basketball were always playing on my television. So much to the point where I can still quote the script verbatim if you were to pop one in right now.

Another film that can be added to that long list is The Best Man. I had to be about 10 or 11 when the original film came out and I remember seeing the previews, anticipating it's release. Silly me made the mistake of expressing how excited I was for it and my grandmother killed all my dreams with a single statement.

"You don't need to see that!"

*side eye*

Though she was right, no one asked her. Needless to say, my premature self saw that movie and even landed myself a copy. 

I gasped with the rest of the female population with an affinity for chocolate when Morris Chestnut swaggered around that corner as the irresistible Lance Sullivan. Do you remember those big, brown eyes, all glistening and whatnot?And that smile?? Yes God for all that is beautiful!

The six of them shared a bond that I respectively envy, if there is even such a thing. Infidelity and egos aside, they all genuinely cared for each other. That love they shared was still present in the sequel, despite the major rift between Lance and Harper, who had been best friends since college.

Without giving the movie away, I will mention a couple things that I admired.

First of all, can we please talk about how beautiful the cast was after 15 years! I know that's what everyone has been talking about since the rumors began floating about this reunion but it's so true. They all looked great! I believe I read somewhere that the two youngest people on set were Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs, both at 42. Nia Long has an undying beauty that was radiant the entire film. I wasn't a huge fan of Melissa De Sousa's hair but other than that, everyone looked the same as I remembered.

The thing that stood out to me the most was the many examples of genuine black love among the couples. Merch and Candy were hilarious to me. Robin and Harper were exactly what I expected them to be and Lance and Mia were super adorable in every way possible. Nothing seemed forced and there were a few times I felt myself go, 'Awww! How cute!' Lately, there hasn't been a black romantic comedy that I can recall that brought back those warm, nostalgic feelings like the films from back then. 

When I was younger, I didn't sneak to watch those movies completely out of rebellion but because I admired the representation of love. Often times African Americans get a bad rep when it comes to love and relationships. To see other black people expressing their feelings and loving unashamedly was and still is refreshing and inspiring to me.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is a sucker for a good romantic comedy, especially when it has all-star black cast like this one. I would like to thank Malcolm Lee for getting this cast back together and for not rushing the project off the strength of it's predecessor. I want to thank Nia, Sanaa, Taye, Monica, Morris, Terrence, Harold, Melissa and Regina for choosing to stay on board in order to make magic on the big screen, at least one more time (and for staying absolutely beautiful for all that time!)

Being the romantic that I am, I'm thankful for movies like these. Positive black images are so necessary right now and to know that that there are others that still care is such a relief.

I HIGHLY recommend you go see this film. Never have I experienced so many emotions in just one sitting.

Let me know how you enjoyed it! Which if the two films do you think was better? Why?

Long Live Your Idols...

In light of what seems to be the longest battle with writer's block ever, I begin scrolling through Instagram and Twitter, as I often do in my idle time. Between the two social networks, I follow a collective of creatives I once felt connected to in the name of artistry. Lately though, I've been feeling like the outcast, sitting lonely in the corner of the lunchroom while the cool kids huddle in the center, laughing as if their lives were as carefree as they appeared. 

I want what they have.

Today though, I woke up inspired to create. Even amongst my First World Problem meltdown (of three different means of technology, I couldn't get one to show me the "Crooked Smile" video) I had the urge to write.Of the 807 people I am following via IG, there are a few I pull inspiration from. Today is the day they'll see the impact they have on my creative spirit.

Rivaflowz -- Having already dubbed her as my mentor, it is only right that I list this wordsmith first. I was reacquainted with Riv a little after Demetria Lucas reposted the book review done on A Belle in Brooklyn. At the time, I was almost swearing by everything Demetria posted, as a loyal fan should, so I clicked the link. Automatically, I fell in love with the tone of it all. The way Riv effortlessly strung words together; I felt like I had never read the book before (at the time, I'm sure I was on read number three). Immediately, I followed her on every medium I could, discovered her blog and spent countless hours raking through her archives. Her words literally make me want to discard everything I've ever written and just start over.

WrittenbyBene -- This young writer is another I came across while devoting all of my waking time to Ms. Lucas' tweets. Bene Viera is an inspiration simply because she is where I want to be right now. Only a couple years older than me, she shares the same story as all of my favorite writers: moving to New York with virtually no money with big dreams to land a permanent position in the folds of their favorite glossy. I admire her Give No F*cks attitude because she's going to say/write whatever she feels whenever it comes to mind. Plus, I can always count on her bio to have a dope quote or two.

Alex_Elle -- I love this DMV native's creative spirit as a whole. How I actually came across her page, I cannot remember but I have always been an admirer of her jewelry line, shopALS. Over the years, I've watched her on her journey to a better, healthier, more enlightened self as she shared bits and pieces of her life through her Instagram posts. She seems like the kind of person I would have in my circle.

abelleinbrooklyn -- If you've read any post prior to this or just know me in general, you understand the love I have for this woman in a teacher/student, e-mentor/e-mentee kind of way. Demetria Lucas is what I see, right now, as the culmination of the life I want to live as a writer. As the former Relationships Editor of Essence magazine, she has created a brand and relentlessly built on it. When I got the opportunity to meet her last year, I was in awe the entire time. I even remember the slightly awkward moment we shared before we decided who would kiss which cheek before my coveted picture. Since then, I've continued to read anything her name is attached to just because there is always a teaching moment with her, whether it be something regarding the industry or a lesson in life or love.

All four of these women inspire me in different ways and I'm glad that I was able to connect with them in one form or another. I would love the opportunity to meet and sit with each of them to pick their brains but until then, I'll continue to follow via IG or Twitter and connect through the interwebs.

Thank you ladies for constantly awakening the muse in me even if I don't always act on it. I admire every post, picture and piece of prose because it helps remind me that I, too, have a story to tell.

Leave it all Behind

A few weeks ago, on the drive home from work, a question was posed on the radio to the listening audience:

Would you trade the person you love for complete freedom? You would have no worries. You're free to travel wherever you want in the world as many times as you'd like. Money would be no object, work would be no more, etc. The only catch is that you can't fall in love.

As I cruised down Lake Shore Drive, I pondered the possibilities. Knowing me and my emotional self, I wondered if I could handle a life with no real intimacy. Of course, all my other needs would be met. My '94 Nissan Altima, which I'm extremely thankful for, would be replaced with a sleek brand new something. I would have all the material things I could ever dream of having. Even my cliched Brooklyn brownstone (word to Sidney Shaw) would be a reality.

When I asked the question to the group of friends I met up with, a few shouted an eager, "Hell yea!" My attempt at starting some kind of friendly debate failed because no one could give me a real reason as to why they'd choose freedom over love. Not to say there is a right or wrong answer--I just wanted to hear the different views.

Has the beauty of love lost it's luster? Do we really live in a world where people are willing to go through life without it in lieu of financial security?

I wanted to go home and write about this immediately but I decided against it, opting to give the question more thought. I wanted to be sure that I was considering all of the possibilities that could come out of me trading in a life of love for material possessions.

If you know me, you know I'm a lover. My best friend thinks I'm an asshole (lol) but, deep down, she knows I'm soft as hell. To imagine a life without love and still manage being happy is almost impossible for me to do. As much as I would love to travel the world over and over again, I would much rather experience the emotions felt when learning to grow with another person.

What about you? Would you trade love for everything?

Out of Ink...

There are days I feel like I'm not cut out for this
But that's typically when I'm feeling inadequate
Words of encouragement slightly breathe life into my mood
As I try to determine if what they say is genuine
I know what my heart feels
But what if this isn't my calling
I don't know how to do anything else
Day in and day out, I sit on the brink of tears
Searching for myself
Searching for my voice
Which has been clawed out of my esophagus
Lost among a plethora of words unspoken
And feelings unheard

Delusions of Grandeur

Starting out, things are beautiful. Butterflies flutter aimlessly about your mid-section as you fight hard to contain the wide smile struggling to get out. The impossible is easy to you; no task too great to accomplish.

...and you do it all because you're in love...

Things of importance become an afterthought with no regard. Pressing tasks are forever put on hold. It can wait.

...love can't...

Any spare time you have is now reserved for the eye of your affections. Phone calls and text messages go unanswered. Your presence from the microcosm that is social media vanishes instantly. The outside world no longer exists to you.

...and it's because of love...

Soon, the newness will fade and reality will begin to make itself visible. Now that the rose colored glasses have been lowered from your lovestruck face, you're forced to see the real. Only now do you realize things aren't what they seem.

Still, you continue giving your all, figuring things will come together. Hell, you're in love. That shit is supposed to surpass all, right? I mean, who wouldn't want to be loved by you? What you give is an all-encompassing kind of love that is a joy to share. To see the look on their face after your many random acts of kindness brings a smile to your face every time. 

It almost makes you forget their imperfections.

Even with the obvious staring you right back in the face, you ignore it.  You make yourself believe in the fantasy you've created. You have to. The romantic inside won't let you do otherwise. Instead, you proceed accordingly, reminding yourself of the world you live in when reality rears it's ugly head. You enjoy it while you can and fall back when you can't.

You wish you could have your way but the truth of the matter is no matter how hard you love, how open and unconditional it is, it will never change the circumstance.

In this particular case, your love does not surpass all...

Point of No Return

What happens when the thrill is gone? A change of heart has happened and you're left choking on words that desperately need to come out. The possible reaction from him scares you into silence.

Things are no longer the same and the fact that he should be the ideal choice for you is exactly what you're not sure about anymore. He's too safe for you. What does that even mean? The fact that you believe the statement is even worse.

You feel censored whenever he's around. Yes, you're a lady but from time to time, your inner sailor likes to be set free, allowing curses to flow unabashedly.

Thoughts float around on whether or not you could ever learn to love someone for the sake of having them right now. Your sanity screams HELL NO! That may not be the best option, especially if you're easily agitated. His idiosyncrasies will annoy you. But the romantic in you--the one who keeps you in trouble--persuades you relentlessly, pleading in so many ways how this thing could work.

Don't believe that traitor!

Again, you're left with thousands of unspoken words. Sifting through them in search of the right ones proves to be a task that threatens an incurable migraine. This all is much more than you bargained for the day you watched him cross the parking lot clutching a black leather binder dressed in a light blue button up tucked neatly into a pair of brown dress slacks. You thought he was cute as he adjusted his glasses, making his way to the front door of the building.  The way he kept to himself drew you in to want more. You told yourself that he was someone you needed to know for yourself.

Right before you feel like you've found a sense of sanity, self conscious thoughts saunter into view. What is wrong with you? Why do you always push the good ones away? You swear it's unintentional because you hate being the heartbreaker.

It just sort of happens...

Initial interest is expressed. Dates were had. Boredom has struck, settled in and taken over. Now, you're left, searching for the right way to say, "This isn't working."

Having Options When It Comes to Dating

For the past couple weeks I have been back and forth when it comes to dating--completely different from being in a relationship--more than one person at a time. Being the kind of person I am, feelings of guilt will begin to surface and sooner or later, I'll fade to black on one, if not both, of the suitors.

I fully understand that I'm obligated to neither but something in me still feels wrong while "talking" to two guys when in reality, all I'm doing is getting to know them better. Some of the relationship experts I follow say that you should be honest with whomever you're dating, making sure they know what it is up front. Others think that it's none of the their business--date who you want and if you choose to be intimate, protect yourself.

While I agree with both, I'm not sure which one would fit for me.

While catching up on Anslem Rocque's (aka Naked With Socks On) blog, Date Knight, he hipped me to a new book, called The Gaggle, which encourages women not to focus on just one man when searching for Mr. Right. Instead, the author suggests you cultivate a group of men who fulfill different needs in your life until you find the one.

“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” Massa explains. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.” --Jessica Massa, author

When it comes to dating, I try to follow the Golden Rule and treat people how I would want to be treated but Massa's words make a lot of sense. My issue, then, would be how do I part with the feelings of guilt? Do I let each 'Him' know he's not the only one trying to be the only one or do I keep it to myself? What about when it's time to make a decision?! I have always been the type to care about other people's feelings, especially when it is in regards to me. I don't like being the bad guy. This is both a blessing and a curse and a huge part of the reason that this is such a dilemma for me.

What to do y'all? What to do??

When dating, are you honest about the other people you are seeing? Why or why not? Do you feel guilty if you don't? And if you do choose to share, does it create tension or do things seem easier between you and the people you date? Let's discuss.

*if you want to read the full article on the book, click here*

Viral Violence

I am so over the Youtube videos showcasing violence, especially the ones where women are the victims. This is not a feminist post or me standing on my soapbox talking about why, in no way, is violence against women okay (although I don't condone it). Nor is this me justifying the behavior of these men. It's just me simply saying that I'm tired of seeing it. This is me being aware of the disconnect in society; me trying to find something to fill these gaping holes in the world we live in.

Just a couple of weeks ago, both my Twitter and Instagram timelines went crazy with links and screenshots of the bus driver who uppercut the shit out of an unruly woman. I watched, in utter disbelief, wondering why. Why no one stopped him (namely the man that was standing next to the woman before she got hit). Why the driver felt the need to respond to the passengers antics at all. And, most importantly, why he felt an uppercut would be most effective. In NO WAY was that blow okay. Hell, boxers, who get paid to punch other boxers rarely use that punch.

This evening, on my way home from a fun night, my friend/coworker sent me a video link, which I knew from the title, would not be something that I would enjoy.

 "Watch Lil Reese #GBE300 Beating Up a B*tch"

I shook my head as I pressed play, as if the title weren't enough.

Here, see for yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvKENK5xqm8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

To say that I'm sad would be an understatement. The state of the world we live in is simply terrible. The fact that all but one person was standing around as if this were normal behavior is ludicrous to me. Judging from the conversation, the victim didn't want him (assailant) in what appeared to be a house party because he had a gun. When she confronted him about it, things got way out of hand. Before you're able to really process what the discrepancy is about, all you see are a barrage of punches being thrown as she is backed into the wall, trying to shield herself.

"Get up outta here, b*tch. Get up outta here." 

That's all I heard over another girl repeatedly screaming, "Wait!" as she tried to stop the boy from landing very accurate kicks and punches to the victim's face. In fact, the only person I saw attempt to break up the attack was the girl.

In my opinion, violence towards women is never okay. Hell, no one should put their hands on anyone unless it's your own child that you're reprimanding. Some people believe that if a woman is man enough to put her hands on a man then she deserves what follows. I'm not saying I agree but I let's be clear--I know better than to physically challenge a man.

Having watched the video a few times, I am seriously at a lost for words. What went wrong? Where was the ball dropped? We have become an unruly people who do not respect people, let alone authority. [Respect] has been lost. Long gone. If I didn't fear for our future before, I do now. Most of the youth today are destructive and don't give a damn. It is really enough to bring me to tears when I sit and think about all the lost and hurting souls, roaming aimlessly about the streets.

How do we begin to help them? How can we?

What You Want Vs. What You Need

photo credit: vindicarlo.com

How does this thing work? We meet, date, and fall in love? Well what if it doesn't come right away? Am I supposed to wait for the feeling to settle in the pit of my stomach, fluttering around all crazy like? If I don't feel the butterflies immediately, am I allowed to move on? If not, what's the customary waiting period?

A few months have passed 

and a considerable amount of time has been spent

We both enjoy each other's company 

but I'm afraid that's where it ends with me
What about the other stuff? 

Dating is good. I actually love the idea of it all but let's be real. Humans are physical creatures by nature. We're attracted to what looks good. We have to be turned on in more ways than one. Liking you because you're easygoing and because you make me laugh is cool but I want to lust after you a lot a little.

You see, I learned that the men we date are separated into two categories (word to that Belle up in Brooklyn). The first type is A, aka, boyfriend/hubby material. Then there's the B type. Some would call him the no nothing ass nigga or maybe even a boo thang. Demetria Lucas, a.k.a. Belle, couldn't have said it better in her book: B, at best, is a one-night stand on vacation. 

*she also used a Sex and the City reference; A for Aidan, B for Big, to give you a clearer understanding of the two*

Instead of treating him like such, some of us ladies tend to look past the dysfunction in an attempt to build a solid relationship with him, leaving A blowing in the wind.

My dilemma comes in when I want to lust after A like I would B. What happens if/when I never feel that lust for A? Do I just stick him in the friend zone where he may already be too comfortable? Or do I wait? Belle already warned us to never leave an A for a B (I know Carrie ultimately left Aidan for Big in SATC but look how long it took for them to get it right. Multiple seasons AND two movies,one of which she was stood up at the altar?? Who has that kinda time??).

If the world doesn't stop for A like it does when I'm with or even thinking about B, is that a bad sign? Part of me wants to say no because the thing with B is one based off lust from jump. Everything with him is top speed. You act first and think about the repercussions later with little to no regard. With A, more time is spent digging through the others' layers in an attempt to break through that guarded heart.

Because things are supposed to progress at a slower rate with A, does that include the lusty feelings too?

People always say that the nice guys finish last and from the description of the two types in Belle's book, I totally agree. I know women who will stop the world for their B one minute and be crying the next because he kept pushing with his. Hell, I've been one! As Belle said, everything is different between these two men, one glaring difference being the sex. It's not just about the sex , of course, but with all that emotion, could it be anything other than mountain-moving? It's not the kissy, lovey-dovey, nice only-in-the-bedroom- sex you have with A; this is Pinky-Cherokee--Italia Blue pornographic. And you love it!

This has the potential to be a real dilemma. It's been a question swimming in my head for weeks now. What is it about the B type that is so magnetic? In your sanest of moments, you know that he is no good for you. He'll leave you flustered throughout the day as a result of his inconsistency and evasive speech. Or maybe he's too blunt for you, saying whatever he feels whether it hurts your feelings or not. Either way, you still answer when he calls.

The A type is the one you know you should give a real chance to but for whatever reason, you won't can't. He's the type you wouldn't want to risk a friendship with by taking things further. He's the safety net.

Is it possible that there can be men out there who possess both of these traits? One who's everything that A is with bits of B sprinkled throughout. Could I be asking for too much?

I need answers y'all. Insight. Something!

You Can Still Be Who You Wish You Was...

As a child, I learned early on not to question adults. My mother made sure that I understood that this was unacceptable. Now, she has never been strict or even overbearing; she simply laid the ground rules early on and because I understood them, she and I continue to foster a good relationship to this day.

Now that I'm older, having experienced a few things in my two and a half decades on this earth, I kind of regret the fact that I followed the rules so succinctly.

Earlier today, I finished Staceyann Chin's memoir, The Other Side of Paradise. In it, she opens up about the most personal events of her life growing up in Jamaica. Her mother abandoned her and her older brother, Delano. Her Chinese father, to this day, never claimed her as his own. As her grandmother grew older she was no longer able to care for the two young children on her own. Eventually, the trio had to split up, landing Staceyann in the house of relatives she hardly knew. She was molested by older cousins and teased for her light complexion by them and peers. Her childhood left a lot to be desired.

I shared her anger and frustration with her family, asking myself over and over 'why do people--children--have to go through this?'

I was first introduced to Chin's work when I read Rebecca Walker's Black Cool, a compilation of essays from writers describing what they thought it meant to be black and cool. In her essay, titled 'Authenticity', Chin tells us how she became the loud, outspoken, Jamaican born lesbian that she is. She makes sure we understand that she is proud of the woman she is and she gives us insight on why it was so important for her to accept who she was, regardless of what others thought.

"I only know that to be me, to remain true to that self I adore, I must say my truth out loud. If I don't I will be someone else. And it has been forever since I have wanted to be that. I have my own cool now" (Black Cool, p. 119).

Having read that essay and the memoir, I can't help but admire her as a woman. I actually wish I was like her in some instances. She challenged everyone on anything, regardless of if it was her business or not. Chin was not afraid to speak her mind, finding herself in a lot of trouble with her elders. The fact that she never showed fear of getting in trouble pissed them off more. Instead of taking the time to explain things so that her young mind could understand, she often received beatings, in an attempt to drive the devil inside of her out.

As for me, I pretty much accepted everything that was presented to me as truth. I refrained from asking questions, especially about Christianity, because you're not supposed to question God and I was a child; I simply did as I was told. As I think back on my childhood, I feel as if I crippled myself. Today, I'm timid. I calculate my movements, avoiding anything that resembles confrontation. I shy away from debates, friendly or heated, because I feel like my opinion won't be valid.

Throughout the entire book, I felt that Chin knew exactly who she was as a woman, regardless of her disconnect with her parents. She didn't let their mistakes handicap her, stifling her growth as a woman. Even after she made the decision to migrate to New York, leaving behind the hypocrisy of her country and her tumultuous past, she found room in her heart to forgive her mother for the way she left things. She even continued to conduct a relationship with her "father", even if it was business-like.

Staceyann Chin could very well be listed as one of my favorite writers now. There aren't many I feel connected to. But I guess that's the point when you pen your life's story; everyone feels like they know you. I'm always thankful when someone feels it is necessary to share their own stories for the betterment of someone else, someone they may never get the opportunity to meet. I'm thankful that she has sparked something in the usually timid Erika, provoking her to be more vocal about what she's feeling. I'm thankful that she has helped her to realize that her opinion does matter.

For whatever reason, I am thankful that she wrote this memoir.

Check out below as Chin talks briefly about her memoir, The Other Side of Paradise:

Inner City Blues: Chaos in The City of Wind

Chicago has made itself a home in the news this summer, breaking records, I'm sure. Between the debacle that is Lil Jojo and Chief Keef to senseless and seemingly never ending gun violence in the city to the Chicago's Teachers Union's decision to go on strike, we just cannot seem to get a break. It hurts my heart to see the city I have grown to love fall apart like this.

Each year, during the summer months especially, the news is filled with stories of senseless deaths due to gun violence. Just this summer alone, there have been over 300 deaths as a result of shootings. Since the beginning of this year, there have been 1,706 shooting since as of September 2. This has become such an issue that it is no longer local news; now, other cities are getting wind of the foolishness that goes on here. It's embarrassing, to say the least. Over the past few days, I've checked Twitter sporadically, each time I watched as others expressed their disdain.

The Chicago Teacher Union's decision to strike has seemed to add fuel to the fire. Parents and school officials alike are outraged that the teachers could be so "inconsiderate", choosing to go on strike the night before the second week of classes were scheduled to start (tomorrow, September 13, will mark the fourth day of the strike).

Michael Butz, CPS Parent: I am the parent of a CPS 3rd grader. I support our teachers 100 percent, but I am terribly disappointed in the CTU's decision to strike after receiving a contract offer which was fair to all parties which have a stake: children, teachers, parents and taxpayers.

People are anticipating more violence during the strike as a result of hundreds of thousands of CPS students now out of school, looking to place the blame on the teachers.

I get that there are two sides to every story. Decisions to implement longer school days so the children can have more time to learn coupled with the decision to have stricter evaluations for the teachers doesn't seem fair. I'm sure that the teachers are not happy that their students are probably out roaming the streets when they could be learning but there is obviously a need that is not being met. Seventy five thousand dollars a year is nearly not enough for what they're are up against in the classroom. I've worked with students who attend Chicago Public Schools; it is NOT an easy task. I understand what these teachers have to put up with for eight hours a day.

I also understand that the city is facing is up against it's own financial crisis. The city is facing an $8.1 billion deficit while the state of Illinois has accumulated $43.8 billion in debt. These numbers make it almost impossible to meet the demands of these overworked and underpaid teachers. What's to be done in this kind of situation?

I hate the impression other cities have of us. I feel as if they fear us in the sense that this a place they'll never want to visit, which is a shame because we have one of the most beautiful cities in North America. Two years ago, the Huff Post ranked us #4 on their list of top 10 best cities. I feel like we're being judged and it doesn't sit well with me.

I have no idea what Mayor Emanuel plans to do or how he plans to go about it but I pray a decision is made soon regarding this strike (for the same of being realistic: by the end of the week). as for this on going violence among each other--I'm at a lost for words. I don't know what could be done to end it altogether short of Jesus' return.

How do we save our city?

Attention Divided: My Stunted Spiritual Growth

photo credit: paintingrecord.blogspot.com

Try as I might, my focus is always compromised when I'm at church. Among our modest congregation, I am able to find a peaceful calm that allows my mind to wander almost unapologetically. Sometimes, I catch myself and return my attention back to the pulpit but most of the time, you can catch my eyes fixated on some place, far off out of everyone else's sight.

During the two hours I spend at church on Sunday mornings, I create To Do Lists that hardly ever get touched throughout the week, making a cluttered mess with the other miscellaneous items found at the bottom of my purse. Other times, I'm relapsing into memories (word to Riv), painfully enjoyable to recall. An idea may hit me and in the next second, the paper I was scribbling sermon notes on turns into a rough draft for a blog post.

For a while, I thought I had a slight case of Attention Deficit Disorder because I would find that I could never remember the message once I got home. Some time ago, my pastor talked to us about being distracted during service and how that can play a part in our lack of spiritual growth. We're not giving ourselves a chance to absorb what's being said. Instead, our mind's are elsewhere, already thinking about dinner for the night and all the other things you have to get done before the week is over. As he chastised us, I tuned back in, secretly scolding my 24-year old self. How dare I not give my undivided attention to the messenger of the God who gave me life?? I've focused longer on other things that weren't feeding my spirit man.

I have realized my lack of growth in the ministry. Having been involved for almost three decades, my walk isn't nearly as good as it should be; looking back, it's almost embarrassing to admit it. I know that no one's walk is perfect but I'm aware that mine could and should be better. Tonight at bible study, the assistant pastor posed a question to us through his message: "Why do you study the word of God?" My first response was, "Because that's what I'm supposed to do." The words, though partially true, tasted sour in my mouth as spoke them under my breath. After 24 years on the right side of salvation, my answer should be a bit more eloquent than that. But, because I've been so lackadaisical, my growth has been stunted, regressing when it should be progressing.

The Christian church is all I know. I went because that's what I was supposed to do. I got baptized because that's what I was supposed to do. I sang in the choir and served on the usher board because that's what I was supposed to do. No matter how late I'm out on Saturday night, I get up for church on Sunday because that's what I'm supposed to do. Church is not and will never be an option as long as I live with my mother.

What scares me is whether or not I'll still be as disciplined when it comes time for me to move out on my own. I can imagine how tempting it will be for me to sleep in on Sunday morning after a long night. Will I feel bad for missing bible study on Wednesday because I'd rather go to the open mic on the south side instead? Because I spend a lot of time lost in my thoughts, I've gone back and forth with thoughts on my salvation many days. There are things I'm starting to realize now that should have been revealed a while ago. I understand now why there are some people who rededicate their lives to Christ--some even getting re-baptized. At nine years old, I was too young to fully understand what I was getting myself into; I did it out of fear and the pressure from my grandmother.

I am, indeed, a work in progress. There are days where I'm extremely happy with the woman I'm becoming and then there are days where I beat myself up for not doing better. With each day God chooses to bless me with a breath, I know that he is real and he is granting me the opportunity to finally get it right.

I also know he won't be generous forever.

Do you have trouble focusing on the pastor's sermon in church? Do you believe one can be forced into a religion? Has your church going habits changed for the best/worst since you moved out on your own?

p.s.: I drafted this in the middle of bible study tonight...I'm gonna do better. Promise

Day 30: To Kiss or Not to Kiss...

The entire night was wonderful. He was a perfect gentleman, anticipating your every move. You admired the way he carried himself, exhibiting the good qualities his mother instilled in him from day one. Slipping your hand into his, the two of you walk up to your front door. You thank him for such a great evening and he insists that this won't be the last time. You feel the warm sensation flooding your body as he stares back at you, flashing that Colgate commercial smile.

This is it. You can sense that he wants to lean in for the kiss and you're fighting everything in your power to wait for him to move. Right as he reaches out to pull you closer, you remember the text from your best friend:

"No kissing on the first date!"

Do you go with the flow and enjoy the moment? I mean, the date was nice and in your mind, he earned it. Or do you hold on, opting to make him work a little harder before you give him the luscious (word to Martin)?

I consulted a few of my friends, both men and women, asking how they felt about kissing on the first date, if they do/don't and why or why not. I asked the men the same question and questioned whether or not they expect a kiss from their date at the end of the night.

I received a mixture of responses, some of which shocked me. One of the ladies said that she's been on either end where she both kissed and made her date wait. "I may, depending on the vibe."

My other homegirl was completely against it.

"I wouldn't kiss on the first date because I wouldn't want the guy to expect more on the next date or feel like I'm easy. Also, guys tend to get the wrong idea [when it comes to kissing on the first date]. What if he's crazy??"

My married friend settled for the cheek kiss. (I wanted to tell her she didn't count because she married her childhood sweetheart but...whatever lol). Those are my personal favorite because it's innocent but shows your date that there may be room for something more down the line. It all boiled down to these young women wanting to feel secure in the fact that there would be more dates after this one. If they were sure they'd see the guy again, nine times out of ten, they would go for the kiss.

As for the fellas...

"People over think. If everything is great, show signs of that. Nothing is wrong as long as your confident, you feel safe and the attraction is mutual."

"Hmmmm...A guy should only expect a goodnight kiss after it's already been established that both parties have an invested mutual understanding of what they are classified as, i.e. dating, friends with benefits, or just plain ol' kickin' it. Or maybe you just can't help but to feel what the other person's lips feel/taste like. Curiosity is a motha! There's no harm in it if you ask me."

Where I agree with some of the viewpoints of the ladies, I think I agree with the two responses I received from the guys. It's not like we're talking about a full out make-out session on the front porch. Just a nice, sweet kiss to end the night. If he's really the gentleman he portrayed the entire night, he'll take that kiss for what it is and keep working towards the good stuff. That may or may not have been a pun.

With that though, you may run the risk of falling into a routine with your date. Will he expect a kiss after each date from here on? I ran into a situation like that...that may be a post for another day. Anyway, relationships are tricky. Getting to know someone is even more tricky. I say do what feels right to you. If you're comfy, roll with it. If it's not there yet, give buddy a hug, bid him goodnight and go to sleep with a smile on your face.

Let's discuss. How do you feel about kisses on the first date?

Day 29: Shop Talk

photo credit: itsablackthang.com

As I sat in the shop, waiting on my little brother to get his usual even cut with a taper in the back, I couldn't help but listen in on the conversation the barbers were having. I was actually the reason for the now lively mood.

A few weeks back, I was there with my mom, again, waiting on little bro. A man walks in with his toddler son, both ready to get fresh for the weekend. He greets everyone, joking and laughing. As he's telling anyone who will listen about his party that night, he spots me, in my own world, admiring the artistry of the barbers.

Long story short: he's pushing up. His barber is trying to warn him on the sly that the woman sitting next to me is my mother and that he should chill but he must didn't know fat meat was greasy. In the midst of me trying to kindly blow him off, I peep a wedding band--on the WRONG hand.

*Big Sean voice* Whoa dere!

When I walked in today, the barber who was cutting married man's hair asked if I ever ran into him after that day, thus starting a hilarious conversation on men who don't know how to "cheat the right way" (i.e. married man. He had been caught up by his wife in a series of dumb efforts of cheating). This spiraled into how men, namely the barbers there, don't trust women eventually ending with why they don't kiss, like, ever.

"I don't even kiss my daughter. I just shake her and slap her high five." O_O. We'll discuss how she'll be relentlessly seeking the affection of men in the coming years in another post...

As usual, I sat in the cut, listening to what everyone had to say and laughing with the only other female in the shop who was working on little bro. Some of you women have definitely ruined it for us with the brothers. Though the conversation was light, I could tell these guys have been hurt up in the past. One of them was really close to crossing over into boyfriend/girlfriend territory with one woman when he got wind of a homemade video of his boo thang engaged in "extracurricular activities" with a few good men.

Another indulged us in his adventures as The Other Man. He received a phone call from the boyfriend of a woman he had been seeing (he already knew about buddy because the girl had been up front from jump; he didn't care). The conversation went like this, let him tell it:

Boyfriend: "Hey, I'm tryna see who this is calling my woman.

Him: "Look man, don't be calling me asking me who I am. Ask your woman; she knows the number when I call." *click*

--boyfriend calls back a few minutes later--

Boyfriend: "Yea, I was just tryna figure who you were and why you're calling my woman."

Him: "Man, that's OUR woman!"

Boyfriend: "What you mean 'OUR woman'?!

Him: "She wasn't with you last night or the night before. Your name's Rashad, right?"

Of  course my face dropped at his boldness, along with everyone else's in the shop. And I'm sure the boyfriend's blood was boiling to the point where he wanted to wring dude's neck through the phone. How are you going to treat the boyfriend, the victim, in this situation?

This guy's story got me to thinking that there are really a lot of people out here who do not honor relationships, dating or married. It's sad how men and women alike are out just to get theirs, perfectly okay with being attached/unattached at the same time.

"I ain't trippin' cuz she ain't my woman/man."

"She Ain't My Girl--Trey Songz feat. Sammie

Too many times have I heard that from men and women and each time, I'm equally amazed. It doesn't matter if the relationship is at a dead end; the fact that it's still a relationship should be honored. I get it, partially. Some people just need a jump off, someone that can break them off from time to time and then return to reality. I've even heard that some actively seek out married/involved people, just so they can avoid the headache of relationship talk.

Call me jaded but I just can't see that kind of life for myself. Has the dating pool become that bad??? I never understood why people cheat. Maybe part of that has to do with the fact that I'm selfish but hey, if it's been working for you, knock yourself out...I guess... *looks away nervously*

Talk to me y'all. What's your view on infidelity? Have you ever been the other man/woman? Have you ever confronted or made a phone call to your boo's side joint?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 28: Good Things Come to those Who Wait

If I was abnormally emotional, I'd probably be crying tears of joy right now but since I'm just regular emotional, I opt for a smile that hints at some of the excitement that is bubbling inside of me coupled with a few eager text messages and phone calls to friends and family.

Today, I got my very first car and yes, I feel like a big girl now *insert cheesy face emoji here*.

Since I graduated from college almost two years ago, my mission was to get some wheels. Nothing extravagant but something I could depend on to get me through my young adult life. Circumstances at my first job compromised my savings and after seven months, I found another job. My plan was to get a used car, buying it out right to avoid a note. I started saving again and as I was reaching a decent amount, I hear that my pastor is planning to give me his old Altima; all I have to pay for is the needed repairs (car had been sitting for two years) and the transfer of the title. Of course, I jumped at the opportunity before I even saw it. I was excited about the possibility and I trusted that my pastor wouldn't give me anything raggedy.

I did not prepare myself for the wait. This was definitely an exercise in patience for me. It's been approximately two months since I found out I was getting the car. In the beginning, I kind of let the information drift in and out of my mind; I do this thing where I get super excited about something and wind up disappointed when things don't go as planned. I didn't want that to happen this time. No one knew about what I had coming until I got word that the car was in the shop. As the days slowly wound down, I allowed myself room to let my excitement set in. I could already see me riding through Chicago, cruising down the Lake Shore Drive with my windows and sun roof open.

Needless to say, I need to gift my pastor with something really nice; both him and his father. They did all the leg work and I just forked over the cash. And when unexpected incidentals came up, they footed the bill. My mom told me before she retired to bed that it's good to have favor and I couldn't agree more. In what world do people just give you a car, virtually free of charge??

I truly am thankful for the people God has placed in my life.

Errbody, this is Nina =)

Day 27: Losing Faith

photo credit: examiner.com

Every year, when the weather breaks and the sun shines a little brighter, Chicago turns into a war zone. As reported in Huff Post Chicago today, the city that I love so much has beat out the number of troops killed in Afghanistan, tallying up more than 5,000 deaths since 2001 to their 2,000. According to the article, our murder rate has quadrupled New York's and doubled Los Angeles.

It is almost unbelievable to know that every day someone in the city falls victim to senseless violence. I scroll through my Twitter timeline, just shaking my head. It's as if people wake up in the morning, prepared to take a life just because it's hot outside. I thank God that no one I hold dear has been caught in the crossfire and I pray that I won't have to ever get that call.

As disheartening as the situation is, I grow tired of hearing the same thing every single summer. Man, the violence in Chicago has got to stop. We gotta stop killing each other. So on and so forth. Don't get me wrong. I agree 100 percent but  I feel like the city's unrelenting cries for help are falling on deaf ears. Radio personalities hold annual gun rallies where they encourage people to turn in guns in exchange for gift cards up to $100.00 but I feel like that is pointless. Now days, it is so easy to get your hands on a gun it's ridiculous.

I'm beginning to feel like there is no hope left for the families of these many victims. No hope for the residents of the city. People cannot even enjoy the summer festivities without being on guard at all times; young children are held hostage inside their own homes because parents fear stray bullets claiming their innocent little lives.

Where does we even start? Who do we talk to? What do we do?

Day 26: My best friend say...

I would like to take a moment and celebrate the fact that I am single and, for the most part, okay with it.

photo credit: blog.nola.com

For the past few weeks, I've been lending an ear to a friend who's going through a break-up. I don't plan to go too deep into her situation because it's not any of your business but, for the sake of understanding, they've reached a point in their relationship where he is frustrated with her to no end and she is trying to figure out how she can make it better. At the end of the day, the love is there and I vouched for their relationship. He really is a good guy.

I suggested that she give him space to process all that he has going on with school, life, and family and use this time to focus her energy on other things. I assured her that I knew it would be difficult because, for two years, they were all the other knew. She's having a hard time adjusting to the split that is but really isn't and he seems confused on how to process it all and be separate.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and where I would love to hear his, all I have is what she's telling me. In his eyes, she's selfish, arrogant, and asks too many questions. She feels he's an unmotivated competitor who could stand a money management course. As his girlfriend, she tried to be the support system he lacks at home, suggesting tips and things she was taught growing up. Because she's been my friend for about five years, I know her personality. I agree that it can come off a little strong but she means well. For him, it proves to be too much.

Whenever she asks what she should do, I usually give her vague answers, insisting that she do what feels right. No one understands their bond better than they do and I refuse to tell her something, have her follow through and then something backfires. Now, all eyes are on me--the single friend who's assumed to be bitter because she doesn't have a man of her own (which is so not the case).

Me: You can't talk to him like a child. No one likes being talked down to, especially men. And you know how you can get sometimes.

Her issue, which I wouldn't even call an issue forreal, is that she is very smart when it comes to money and being prepared for any possible situation. She was taught early on how to live out of 30% of her income (still amazed by that) and the importance of saving. She noticed that he lacked that type of discipline so, bit by bit, she would hint to him different things he could try. He took offense and instead of discussing his true feelings, he shut her out and off, constantly finding characteristics to add to the list of things she did that brought on feelings of inadequacy.

To a degree, I'm a sensitive person, empathizing with the trials but even I get to a point where I'm like, "Dude! Get over it already." I will only stroke your ego for so long before I'm expecting you to get your bearings in order.

Maybe she was too hard on him. Maybe he's just too sensitive. Either way, he needed to hear everything she had to say because, apparently, no one ever cared enough to push him. He needs to know that someone cares whether or not he's okay. There were things that he told her that she needed to hear as well. I think the break-up is good for them right now. They need to learn how to be alone with themselves.

I did give her a bit of advice though: Do not go back to him unless you see an obvious change in behavior. It makes no sense to go back to a situation only to have to deal with what made you break away in the first place. If he values the relationship, he'll swallow his pride and take heed. If not, then you know that you need to move on.

No one wants to witness their friends going through a tough time. It breaks my heart to see someone who is usually joking and laughing all the time so down. I keep telling her that this is a test for her and that it will get better--or she'll reach a point where she just DGAF anymore. She is a smart girl which is why I know she'll make it out of this just fine.

Do you offer up sound advice when it comes to friends' relationship issues or are you biased? Is there a fine line between belief and support in your mate versus being overbearing and pushy?

Day 25: ...and really, I think I like who I'm becoming

I love this mental place this writing challenge has placed me in. Because of it, I'm paying closer attention, seeing things deeper than what the surface presents. Throughout each day, I'm constantly throwing topics around in my mind, trying to find a purpose in things I encounter and find a way to turn it into a story.

Naturally, I'm an observer. You can most likely find me lost in my own thoughts in the midst of a crowd. Yes, this can be viewed as rude but to me, I'm absorbing my surroundings. I pay attention to mannerisms; the way people interact with each other and how that differs when they're left to their own devices. I listen to conversations, dissecting the views and opinions of others in my head. Rarely do I join in the conversation; I'm okay with being an observer.

As I type this post, I'm looking out onto the back porch, heavy rain drops saturating the cherry wood deck. It's a pleasant sound. In the ten minutes that I've been sitting here, my mind has traveled from what I did last night to what I expect to happen tonight as I go feed my muse, trying to find a story in everything.

There are five more days left and honestly, I 'm not sure I want it to be over. Despite the pressure I felt to deliver, the disappointment when I didn't, this was good for me. I even came across some new bloggers whose words I enjoy reading. I've been contemplating continuing on past the 31st as a way to further discipline myself.

What have I got to lose?