Late Night Musings...

I've told you all before about how I feel on the subject of marriage and committed relationships and each day, my feelings are validated in some way.  There are times when the emotional Cancer in me adores the little attention I get and then other days, I feel like a Gemini and my attitude has done a complete 180.  Like, I turn into a COMPLETE asshole.  Ignoring text messages and calls and if I do decide to answer a text, it is usually with a one word answer that sends the message that I don't want to be bothered.

At first, I just attributed it to me being over this monotonous thing called my life but then I figured out that I'm actually an asshole.  Like, deep down past this inviting exterior lies a somewhat evil, lightweight heartless person.  I yearn for some excitement in my life.  Just a new wave of people I can start anew with (not to say I want to do away with the current people in my life).  Just....expand (there we go, that's the word I was looking for) my circle a bit.  I tend to get bored quickly and a lot of people don't know that about me.  And when they finally figure it out, it's usually too late for them.

I was discussing this with my best friend a few days ago.  We're almost like soul twins or something.  It's crazy how much we think alike.  We discovered that neither of us can see ourselves married any time soon, if at all.  I wouldn't go as far as to say that we don't want to be...it's just hard to picture right now.  Wait.  I take that back.  The jury is still out on if I want to be married.  But that's a post for another day.

Bestie has had the luxury of being in a long term relationship that started back in high school.  Me, on the other hand, have not.  Don't worry.  I'm over it.  She's been in love and I made her tell me all about it (she's probably still cursing me out lol).  I asked if she thought she'd ever get back to that point again and she basically told me,

"Hell no!"

Only because that whole process is so time consuming and the energy that goes forth into something that real is a lot.  I definitely feel where she is coming from but at the same time, I want to experience that uninhibited type of love.  The random e-mails throughout the day talking about nothing and everything at the same time.  I want the benefit of having my best friend and my man be the same person.  I can't see that happening with anyone in my life right now.

She feels that she doesn't have it in her to give that same time and energy to someone new at this stage in her life.  We're both in the same place.  Patience is as thin as Wiz Khalifa.  No time for fuckery foolishness.  What we want is simple:  Consistency in most, if not all areas.  And common sense!!! (Jesus please be a CLUE to help them understand).

Even in the midst of my asshole-ness, I love the idea of love.  It's beautiful if done the right way.  And I do want to experience it in all of its glory.  I love the idea of meeting a guy and taking the time to cultivate a friendship before things move into more.  It's so true that things get complicated when the physical aspect of the relationship comes before everything else.  Judgments are clouded and decisions are made prematurely.  I don't want that to happen with me and my future HomieLoverFriend.

*I wanna do that*

In a nutshell, I just want someone to change my mind and make me believe that having this love is not impossible for me.  If I'm not in a committed relationship, what's the alternative?  Friends with benefits??  I'm too emotional for that sketchy foolishness.  I need stability as well as a lowered risk of contracting a virus.  Don't think that I have completely given up on love because I haven't.  It's just that this world around me is making it hard for me to believe I can have such a thing.  

Somewhere along the way, it has seemed to have lost it's value and I want to know how to get it back.

Lazy Daze

Anyone who knows me knows that I am what most would call a cerebral being.  I spend a lot of time lost in my thoughts, opting to stay to myself instead of engaging in conversation.  Don't take that to mean that I'm incapable of such...just my preference most of the time.  I don't have a problem being this way.  It allows me time to sort through my many complexities.


Today, I got lost in those complexities.  Ended up being a semi-productive day for me.
I had every intention of waking up today and OD'ing on blogs and I fulfilled just that.  Yesterday, I discovered two new blogs and writers that I can definitely see myself growing to admire.  I think these discoveries are essential for me, especially in my young journalism career.  I need as much insight and *e-mentoring* as possible.

I'm sure you all have heard of writers or poets that have so much talent that they make you want to throw away whatever mediocre chicken scratch you've scribbled in a notepad.  Yea, they, along with a few others, make me want to do that.  It's the effortless way in which they string words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs that makes me want to just....ugghhh.  It's almost disgusting how good they are.

Sorry.  In my excitement I haven't even mentioned the names of these wonderful women.  The first blog I stumbled upon yesterday at work was Riva Flowz.  This young lady is the one who makes me want to toss out everything I've ever written (or at least hide it from the public) and start all over.  And to know that she's only a year older than me got me amped up.  She writes beautifully and about a lot of the things I feel but can't put into the words the way I want.

The other lady is clearly a vet in this journalism game, having written pieces for Essence, Vibe, Clutch, as well as many other publications.  I found her while checking out Riva's twitter timeline.  Bené Viera is dope to me in every sense of the word.  She has a track record that is both commendable and impressive and it is definitely one I can learn from.


Both of these writers had the same affect on me as that of Demetria Lucas (you already know how I feel about her) upon first read.  I know none of them personally but I feel like I do after reading.  I want to have that same affect on my readers.  I love how personable they are, taking time from their hectic lives to interact with admirers via social networks like Twitter (I'm @neosolrkstr btw).


Discoveries like these make my heart smile and I'm glad that I found these two writers when I did.  Anticipating what I can learn from them either directly or indirectly.

Letter to a Wayward Soul

I never thought you would ever experience what it is you're going through right now in your life.  I mean, how could you?  Raised by a mother who did everything in her power to provide both your wants and needs even if it meant sacrificing her own.  There was no way you could fail.  At least in my mind.  But you did because you allowed yourself to fall into the trap.  One I thought you were smart enough to avoid.

Your lack of judgment and common sense worries me...a LOT.  It scares me actually, simply because you have NO idea how deep a hole you are digging for yourself.  Either that or you just don't care.  If that's the case, we have an even bigger problem on our hands.

I often wonder if I could have done something different to influence your decision making and every time I begin to beat myself up for your actions, I stop because they are just that--YOUR actions.  You are your own person and it was you who decided to make the choices you've made.  Can't save anyone who is not ready to be saved.

I'm all for having fun and enjoying life just as the next person but I'm also an advocate of being smart and using my head.  Some may think that's me living life too safely and that's fine.  I'm perfectly OK with that.  I only wish you could adopt the same attitude.  Instead, you're too consumed with what people perceive you as and your appearance.  Artificial things that won't mean anything within the month.  Isn't it exhausting trying to keep up with the Joneses?  Why not have people wanting to keep up with you?

I didn't want this letter to become some cliched motivational pick me up but all the cliches that are associated with a wayward soul are appropriate.  You could be tired of hearing them but some repetition could do you some good.

Do you realize the wedge you are drawing among your family?  The unwanted stress and hurt you are causing your own mother?  What will it take for you to finally get it?  Is this space you're occupying now NOT rock bottom enough for you?  I need answers.

You are slowly but surely exhausting all of your options.  You don't plan for the future.  Instead, you live for today and believe that that is enough.  Once you mess up one place, you think it's simple to find another solution.  You will soon learn that your theory is flawed.

I advise you to start listening to people who have been here before you.  Listen to the ones with enough common sense to spare you since you have obviously put yours on reserve.  And if this is rock bottom enough for you, don't feed the people around you with BS about how you're going to change and what you're going to do.  Just do it!  Let your actions speak for themselves.

Things could be so much easier for you if you'd just let them.  BE the man that you are supposed to be and leave the boy that is hindering you behind.

With love...

December 1st is World AIDS Day...Do You Know Your Status?

I have always heard how important it is for us as Americans to know our status when it comes to HIV/AIDS.  I can remember when BET started their campaign with the many 'Get Tested' commercials, pushing how critical this issue was and still is.

It is currently assumed that there are well over one million people living with the HIV virus and approximately 1,142,714 people have been diagnosed with AIDS since the beginning of the epidemic.  African Americans make up almost HALF of that number at 42.6%.

I just recently (like 30 minutes ago) found out that TODAY, December 1, is World AIDS Day, thanks to http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/ (probably thee funniest blog in my RSS reader.  Follow her on Twitter too @luvvieig).  Even though she is side-splittingly (made that word up) hilarious, she does have a serious activist side to her and I admire it.  She is co-founder of a non-profit organization called The Red Pump Project whose mission is to raise awareness about the impact of HIV/AIDS on women and girls.

She posted a video on her blog that inspired this post today.  I decided to share with you all in hopes that it would inspire, enlighten and encourage you to know your status as it has me.  Click link below to check out Luvvie's post and video.

World AIDS Day

Ignorance is NOT bliss people.  Get tested.  Know your status.

What Are You Worth???

For the past few weeks, I have been sitting in on the stock market program we have started for the teens at my job.  The idea was to expose them to something more than what the "low end" of Chicago has to offer them and since I know that this information usually comes at a high price, I decided to get in on the action.

Gary Harris is the financial advisor of the president of my job and also the instructor of this class.  He is a well kept, charismatic gentleman who looks to be in his mid to late 40s.  Three days a week, he comes to educate us for two hours, a service that he usually charges his well off clients $5,000/hour for.  We started this program with eight teens.  To date, only one is still actively participating.  Sad, I know.

Today, we discussed net worth.  The average net worth of a white family is $140,000; black family is about $5,000.  The net worth for women fitting my demographic (young, black woman in her early 20s) is an unbelievable -$5.  Yes, NEGATIVE $5.  When he mentioned that fact today, I'm sure my face did a number of things ranging from "WTF?!" to "That is unbelievable".  According to an article at NewsOne for Black America, a white woman's median worth is about 42 grand.  Those numbers are staggering to me.  I looked at it in terms of being kidnapped and held for ransom or even putting a price tag on myself and in actuality, I can't because research says I'm not worth too much of anything.

This class is teaching me a lot and a little further down the line, I see myself owning some stock.  Just sitting there listening to him tell us of his story and how he acquired all that he did by striving to achieve more than what the average person is willing to work for inspires me.  He is also growing my interest in increasing my net worth.  I doubt that I am worth -$5 (because I don't have any liabilities) but I know for a fact that I never want to get to that point.

Just wanted to share that tidbit with you all this evening.

Do you know YOUR net worth?

Are You Happy With YOU?

Every afternoon once I get settled in my office, I pull out my laptop and charger and check out what goodies await me in my RSS reader.  For about 30 minutes, I am glued to my seat, reading articles from some of my favorite journalists and the sites they write for.

Today, an article by Risa Dixon over at Clutch Magazine caught my eye: Doctor Claims He Can Permanently Change Eye Color From Brown to Blue.  I was almost shocked, to say the least.  The first question that popped into my head was 'Is that even safe?'  Then I started to wonder who would want such a procedure done.  Got me to thinking about how we as a human race are so mesmerized by the thought of being a better version of ourselves.  Everyone has something(s) that they wish they could change about themselves, myself included but why?  Why are we so obsessed with thought of looking like someone else?

In Dixon's article, she tells us of Dr. Gregg Homer and the "20-second procedure that removes melanin that will lighten eye color without affecting a patient's eyesight".  She too questions if the procedure is necessary.

This article immediately took me back to my scholarly days where I had to read Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye.  If you are unfamiliar with the great literary work, Morrison allows us to get to know a young black girl by the name of Pecola Breedlove.  In the story, she is enamored with the idea of having blue eyes like the adorable Shirley Temple.  Pecola felt that if her eyes were blue, things would be a lot easier for her.  Of course the novel explored other things than just blue eyes but that one stuck out to me the most.

Self-esteem plays a huge role, in my opinion, when it comes to self alteration.  One really has to be in a low place, for lack of a better term, to actually want to go through with something as drastic as an eye color change.  Like I said above, I have some things I wish I could change (like my pudgy fingers and short nail  beds) but I would NEVER go through with a double hand transplant.  I also played basketball for 15+ years of my life, suffering through more finger/thumb jams than I can count.

This self-esteem thing goes further for me than just altering one's natural appearance.  It's also seen in the fashion trends of today.  I've never been a "fashion whore" or someone who has to have the latest material thing.  If it looks nice and put together, I'll wear it.  Simple as that.  I don't spend hours in the mall.  I hate it actually.  Too many people for me.  But there was a time when I felt like I had to have a certain look to feel accepted but that soon wore off when I realized that I don't have to dress in this brand or in this style.  I'm an individual and want to be seen as such.

Learning to be genuinely happy with the body and features that God took the precious time to make up the unique person that is you is a process, I know.  I am constantly learning to be appreciative of my pudgy fingers and short nail beds.  Even embracing my big head took some time but I did it.  This is not something that will happen overnight but I'm asking that you start today, being thankful and embracing all that makes you YOU!

Besides, if you don't love and appreciate you, why would someone else???

Closer to my dreams...

Things are starting to look up for me!! Well, I said that wrong because that would imply that things were down and they weren't.  Either way, I have good news!

Last week, I joined the staff of a new online magazine (not going to give any names until the site is up and running)!  A friend from high school thought that I would be a great addition to the team and called to ask me aboard and I said yes.  This is a huge step for me in my young journalism career and I feel that this is a great opportunity for me to gain the experience and exposure I need in this business.  It didn't even phase me that the magazine doesn't cover the genre I prefer because it's a start and I can't afford to be picky just yet.

I thank God for this opportunity as well as my friend for thinking highly of me to include me.  I'm excited to see what will come of this venture and how it will help me grow as a journalist.

Short post but this was something I wanted to share with you all.  This is only the beginning for me...*insert huge smile here*