...welcome to the musings of the flawless amour...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Bi-Polar Sh*t

I've always been amazed at how quickly one's mood could change, specifically, mine.  At times, I think I suffer from self diagnosed bi-polar disease.  Not something one would wish on themselves but it's the truth.  Earlier today, I mentioned via Twitter how Sundays seem to be my most anti-social day.  I would give reason as to why but don't want to offend some of my readers...

I would say I had a pretty chill Sunday afternoon though (spent it watching movies online & read a new fave blog).  Now, as I sit here, typing, I realize that I've been in a mood for the past 30 minutes and I can't fully explain why. I know there are a mixture of things swimming through my mind faster than Michael Phelps that I wrestle with daily: projects I need to stop procrastinating on and just life in general.  My mind does a great job at daydreaming so much so that I physically have to move myself to snap out of it.  Otherwise, I'll be dreaming on this couch forever, surrounded by this BlackBerry and iPod, blogging about my unhappiness.

Pandora has a nice mix going on my Bilal station right now that is conducive to my current indescribable mood.  All I need is a strong drink that'll put a few stubbly hairs on my chest to sip on and only then will I look completely pitiful.  I have no idea what's wrong with me.  I have these moods often and the unfortunate part is that I don't have a place, corner, or hole to call my own to wallow in these random sorrows.  I am thankful for God providing a roof over my head but I'd be lying if I didn't say I am soooo over this situation already.  I miss being in my own space...being anti-social in my own room.  Here, I feel like I'm always on display and you all know how I hate being in the spotlight alone.

I don't use cliches often (at least I don't think I do) but I feel a lot like a caged bird with clipped wings so even if the cage was left open, I couldn't fly out if I wanted to.  Shit's not a good feeling.  I feel stagnant...like I'm stuck in cement.  I want to just pack up my book bag, cue up my iPod and just go.  I like to think I'm this loner but that's not reality, as much as I try to make myself believe it.  I like having enjoyable people around me but I do like my space too (please, excuse the complex simplicities of me).

I've told you all before how I have plans to move to New York for grad school, ultimately starting my independent life there.  Every time I think about it, I get scared and find ways to bitch up.  I think of every excuse under the sun (main one being: where's the money gonna come from to uproot this life and start anew?) and find reasons to stay home.  But then, I think of my best friend and how she didn't let fear stop her from accomplishing the goals she had for herself and a surge of motivation runs through me.  Yeah, it'll be hard for me but I have to grow up.

Saw a quote, by the late Steve Jobs I believe, that said, "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough" and that made me realize my dreams must be of grand proportions 'cause I'm scared as shit.  Am I too naive for NY?  I'm a suburban girl through and through.  How will I fare in such a big city? Alone?  I like to think I'm a pretty intelligent young lady but I know I missed a few classes in Street Smarts 101.  I'm gonna be completely lost when I get up there.

But isn't that the beauty of coming into one's own?  Learning as you go along...otherwise, you'll remain a dreamer.

I just feel like there's a lot I don't know.  Like, how I'll survive for one. Then I'll have to worry about finding a place to live once grad school is over (I've been watching House Hunters on HGTV & i'm learning).  Rent is gonna have to be paid and let's not e'em mention the other amenities and perks.

*sighs deeply & rolls eyes*

I just feel so behind.  Like everyone else my age is so much more advanced in grown up life than me.  Yeah, I'm not troubled with the stress of bills and whatnot but....man, I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore.  The shit sounds viable in my head but as I type it, it looks stupid.  I'm sure I'm all over the place with this post.  Blame my emotional Cancerian mind.  As in most cases, my apprehension stems from fear of being on my own.  It's something that has to happen though and in order to get the ball rolling, I have to shake the fear, rid this procrastinating spirit and move something.

I WILL be a New Yorker & God willing, I will be working my dream job. :)

*did you peep how I was all depressed at the beginning only to end up motivating myself? smh*

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