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Monday, July 11, 2011

Reality Check

I don't know why I always thought we'd be here together, forever.

Now, that's not the case.  We're growing up (hopefully, not apart) and life is happening.  Maybe I'm the only one who hasn't made plans to make moves.  Or maybe I'm just too afraid to.  The dreamer in me does a great job at thinking up these grandiose ideas but when it's time to put a plan into action, I tend to fall back into that comfortable space.  Just yesterday, I wrote about stepping out of said space and I guess that would hold true for this instance as well.

As a recent graduate, I've given some thought to applying to grad school, simply because I'm not ready to fully "grow up".  Thought about staying in Chicago, which would be ideal for me to establish myself (a sign of obvious fear, in other words) but I also thought about going to the east coast.  The thought is exciting and scary all at the same time but that would be the ideal place for me to flourish as a journalist.  I would be throwing myself into adulthood because that would be new territory for me.  I'd be so far away from my family and friends and although I know my family would help, I would have to eventually support myself.  I guess, now that I'm thinking about it, I probably need that because I think that I rely too much on the people around me more than I do myself.  I look to them for help when, in reality, the outcome will directly effect me.

My best friend just informed me that she got accepted to a graduate program in Texas and I'm ELATED for her because I know how much she's wanted this but on the converse side of things, I'm sad.  Partly because she's leaving and partly because I feel like I'm stuck in the mud.  Maybe her acceptance will be the final push I need to go for mine.  Actually sit down and decide what it is I need to do and devise a plan to get there because I cannot stay in this dream-like state.  It won't pay the bills that are to come and it won't get me my dream job.

As I sit in this office, fighting with my emotions to keep it all together, I think about some of the actions that need to take place.  I need to gather the materials to this 1000 piece puzzle, also known as my life, so I can fit it all together.  Make some sense of this hazy picture I see of my future.  I need to start taking steps to break away from the nest.  Living with my mom is intended to be temporary.  As good a relationship as we have, I know that I don't want to live under her roof forever.

Time to grow up...

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