...welcome to the musings of the flawless amour...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Frustrated Thoughts of a Cramped Mind...

I need space to think. To formulate said thoughts. To create.  Without it, I'm not a pleasure to be around.  I get really agitated really fast.  Borderline 'bitchy', which is a characteristic people are not used to seeing in me exhibit.

As of late, my space has been comprised greatly and I'm finding it difficult to think, formulate & create.  I feel discombobulated.  Almost as if I'm losing control of myself because my mind is preoccupied with things that won't allow me to to be creative.

Some may call it daydreaming or even classify it as being lazy. *shrug*  I call it an essential necessity for me. Other creative souls may agree.

This new job I have requires a lot of my time where I'm supposed to be actively working.  The one day I do get off, I could spend it trying to regroup or I could spend some time recruiting, which will help me to be productive those six days I spend working.  It requires me to talk to complete strangers, attempting to convince them that what I have is something they need.  For a zoner like me, this is asking a bit much.  

*Does this classify as me complaining?  If so, it is not my intention because I am thankful for the opportunity I have, especially in this economy.  Everything is just so new and I'm unsure about it all.*

Being unprepared or feelings of uncertainty are things I try to steer away from.  I hold it just as high as I do the idea of being on time.  Punctuality is a big thing for me on both ends.  I don't like waiting for people for almost anything, especially if it is business related and I try to give the same respect.  I try to be at least 20 minutes early for business-oriented appointments.  I digress.

Where was I?  Unprepared & uncertainty.

Two perfect words to sum up the events of the past two days and it is leaving me with feelings of something I don't have a name for yet but it almost feels like regret.  A 'did I make the right choice?' type of  feeling.  Based on my previous situation, I did make the right choice but is this choice the best fit for me?

I feel like I'm in over my head and the bad part is that I haven't even gotten started yet.  Bestie is telling me I've got 'first day jitters'.  I agree but it's also mixed in with 'I can't do this shit jitters'...

I have a lot of energy built up inside of me and I don't know how to get it out.  I thought writing would help but it's only frustrating me more because my thoughts are coming out choppy-like and just all wrong.

I'm going to stop now...

*song I've been playing for hours*

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