Confessions

For the past two years I have struggled with the idea of family; what it is and how it is supposed to function.  In this time, true colors have been revealed and I have watched the ones I am supposed to love unconditionally transform right before my eyes, making affection impossible.

There is only one other period of my life that I equate to hell on earth. This could be the most testing of the two. Circumstances brought us all together and another set is tearing us apart. Each day, I sit in silence and watch as it eats away at the familial bond like a terminal disease. Out of respect I stay in my lane but the ones who came after me don't believe in boundaries. Utter disdain for authority runs rampant in their bass-laden voices; swagger shouting, "I'M A MAN!" while their actions scream out for attention.

Feelings of neglect and abandonment prevail, bringing on bouts of depression that has planted itself so deep that it seems impossible to reverse.

Romantic love is foreign to me. As amorous as I am the thought of marriage scares me. All I envision is unrelenting arguments and deafening silence telling years of disappointment. I don't want to grow into that woman. What I am familiar with is comfortable love.  Love that has become so methodical over the years that it doesn't even seem like love anymore. How does a couple reach that point? Does love live there anymore?

God is showing me with each day who he is and the power he possesses. He put me in the midst so the truth can be revealed to me and through this, I am learning exactly what I need to in order to function as an adult.  With each failed marriage I know what to expect in the one I will have.  Because of my dysfunctional one, I have an idea of how I want my family to be.

Tears burn as I recall everything I've witnessed, time and love lost. Right now, I stand on the edge, the point of no return calling from down below. I am still too hurt to forgive but I cannot continue to hold on to that bitterness.  I don't want to hold on to it anymore.

Once I'm delivered from this hell, maybe I'll consider but as long as I'm still here, it's too hard...