Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Late Night Therapy Session
As of late, I've been feeling both constricted and restricted. Like someone has actually placed me inside this box with dimensions so small that it's impossible to breathe as I'll take up needed space. I don't like this feeling at all and the issue I have with that is the fact that I cannot seem to find a way to free myself. In the midst of my newfound claustrophobia, I also feel exposed in many aspects. I lack privacy and that is something I need to help maintain sanity. Just some place where I can listen to my music and daydream uninhibited. My current situation will not grant me that serenity and it's truly driving me insane.
Home is supposed to one's sanctuary; where they go to get away from the frustrations of the world. In my case, it's the exact opposite. I look forward to leaving for the day to rid myself of the frustrations here. Today, on my way home from work, helped solidify my feelings. As I got in the car, I found I had an instant shift in moods because I knew I was headed back to chaos for the evening. It is as if I live amongst a pseudo-like family who pretends that everything is everything when really,uy we're divided. You can feel it.
Oftentimes, I imagine myself being apart of another family but it never fully works out because I honestly wouldn't trade my mother for anyone in the world. So, I guess it would be like my mom and me apart of another family...I don't know...That would be kind of selfish... I just wish that circumstances were different...Like, two weeks ago. She always says that we're building our testimony and considering all that we've endured over the past 10-12 years, we're gonna reap one helluva blessing. Is it wrong that I want to put in a rush delivery on that joint?
I try to remain faithful in all this and as long as my mother hasn't broken down or given up, I feel that I have no need or right to but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get frustrated. So frustrated that there are things I want to say that I won't because of the people I know who read my blog. (I learned in my media writing class that as a blogger, I should not tell family & friends that I have one; that way I'll be able to write freely. Should've listened).
I've been trying to make my current situation my motivation to finally make a decision about my future. I'm not 100% sure if it's working yet but it will. I am thankful to God for being a provider for my family and me and I know he will continue to take care of us. I don't want to say that I'm tired of waiting because that'd be rude but....
I commend my mother on her strength, determination, belief and faith in God because if I know if I were her, I'd have been a teary mess a long time ago. Her resilience is like no other woman I've ever known and whether she knows it or not, she is teaching me exactly what I need to know to become the woman I am destined to be.
Ultimately, I just want to be happy again. Haven't been feeling like myself lately. For a long time actually. No one should ever dread having to go home even if it is just to sleep and prepare for the next day. My music and the words I share here with you are my little piece of sanity and as I am glad to have you as my sounding board, I don't want to bog down your shoulders forever with my tears.
Thanks for listening...