...welcome to the musings of the flawless amour...

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Late Night Musings...

I've told you all before about how I feel on the subject of marriage and committed relationships and each day, my feelings are validated in some way.  There are times when the emotional Cancer in me adores the little attention I get and then other days, I feel like a Gemini and my attitude has done a complete 180.  Like, I turn into a COMPLETE asshole.  Ignoring text messages and calls and if I do decide to answer a text, it is usually with a one word answer that sends the message that I don't want to be bothered.

At first, I just attributed it to me being over this monotonous thing called my life but then I figured out that I'm actually an asshole.  Like, deep down past this inviting exterior lies a somewhat evil, lightweight heartless person.  I yearn for some excitement in my life.  Just a new wave of people I can start anew with (not to say I want to do away with the current people in my life).  Just....expand (there we go, that's the word I was looking for) my circle a bit.  I tend to get bored quickly and a lot of people don't know that about me.  And when they finally figure it out, it's usually too late for them.

I was discussing this with my best friend a few days ago.  We're almost like soul twins or something.  It's crazy how much we think alike.  We discovered that neither of us can see ourselves married any time soon, if at all.  I wouldn't go as far as to say that we don't want to be...it's just hard to picture right now.  Wait.  I take that back.  The jury is still out on if I want to be married.  But that's a post for another day.

Bestie has had the luxury of being in a long term relationship that started back in high school.  Me, on the other hand, have not.  Don't worry.  I'm over it.  She's been in love and I made her tell me all about it (she's probably still cursing me out lol).  I asked if she thought she'd ever get back to that point again and she basically told me,

"Hell no!"

Only because that whole process is so time consuming and the energy that goes forth into something that real is a lot.  I definitely feel where she is coming from but at the same time, I want to experience that uninhibited type of love.  The random e-mails throughout the day talking about nothing and everything at the same time.  I want the benefit of having my best friend and my man be the same person.  I can't see that happening with anyone in my life right now.

She feels that she doesn't have it in her to give that same time and energy to someone new at this stage in her life.  We're both in the same place.  Patience is as thin as Wiz Khalifa.  No time for fuckery foolishness.  What we want is simple:  Consistency in most, if not all areas.  And common sense!!! (Jesus please be a CLUE to help them understand).

Even in the midst of my asshole-ness, I love the idea of love.  It's beautiful if done the right way.  And I do want to experience it in all of its glory.  I love the idea of meeting a guy and taking the time to cultivate a friendship before things move into more.  It's so true that things get complicated when the physical aspect of the relationship comes before everything else.  Judgments are clouded and decisions are made prematurely.  I don't want that to happen with me and my future HomieLoverFriend.

*I wanna do that*

In a nutshell, I just want someone to change my mind and make me believe that having this love is not impossible for me.  If I'm not in a committed relationship, what's the alternative?  Friends with benefits??  I'm too emotional for that sketchy foolishness.  I need stability as well as a lowered risk of contracting a virus.  Don't think that I have completely given up on love because I haven't.  It's just that this world around me is making it hard for me to believe I can have such a thing.  

Somewhere along the way, it has seemed to have lost it's value and I want to know how to get it back.

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