So, You're Telling Me We Can't Be Friends?

During my daily visit to Clutch Magazine, I ran into an article by Arielle Loren about dating older men.  An interesting piece that made me consider readjusting my "policy" (another post for another day) but what stood out to me about Loren's post was a small tidbit about the meaningful friendships gained from a few of the failed romantic relationships she's had throughout the years.

My best friend and I have talked on a few occasions about what is to become of the friendships we have cultivated (once romantic or strictly platonic male friends alike) over the years once we get into a meaningful, romantic relationship.  Surely, it is not polite to just fade to black on these fellas.  Assuming you would be completely honest with your new honey, he will know that at least one of these men were at some point, someone you were involved with and pray that his insecurities don't sabotage what you're looking to build.

How does one successfully manage a serious boyfriend and male friends who may genuinely have no ulterior motives?  For my senior project I wrote an article on whether or not I believed men and women could be strictly friends (my answer is yes--with a small explanation). I stated how communication and honesty play a huge part in these kind of arrangements and I still think the same applies here.

I have been accused of being involved with a male friend a few times when there was nothing going on at all.  Not to say that an interest may not have been shown initially... Our friendship meant more to us than a romantic relationship.  When I tried to assure that there was nothing to worry about, insecurities took over and things I assumed to be good were over.  The friend(s) I was accused of being with still remains, through it all, never changing, hence them still in my life.

Now, don't think I'm solely accusing men of doing this because ladies do it too.  Hell, I have assumed (never sabotaged) and sometimes even asked to what extent did this friendship go.  Some times, I was assured that my relationship was not in jeopardy.  Other times, I was skeptical only to be proven right.  It happens.

What are your views on opposite sex friendships outside of the relationship?  Have you ever experienced this?  Were you on the receiving/giving end?  Talk to me!

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real

On the way home from church today, I passed a billboard on I-294 that read,

"Do one thing a day that scares you."  

It definitely held my attention long after we head merged onto the Dan Ryan expressway as I was caught up in how safely I have lived my life up to this point.  In my mind, there are so many things that I want to do...things that I plan to do but a lot of it, I stop myself out of fear; fear of what people may think.  Fear of failing.  Fear of looking a damn fool.  But what kind of life is that?

Now, that billboard didn't spark in me a strong desire to go bungee jumping off the Grand Canyon or anything as intense as that but it did inspire me to start living the life I sit and daydream about on a daily basis.  I would hate to look up one day and I haven't accomplished one noteworthy thing in my entire life.  How depressing?

In the coming months, I plan to keep a log of what I've done that day that I once thought scary (at least that's what I'd want to do.  It sounds ideal but first, I must comprise a list to work from and go from there).

What about you?  What scares you?  Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone in order to live?  Talk to me.

Acceptance...

In my quest to re-ignite my love for reading (books/novels) I came across one by Rebecca Walker in either Ebony or Essence magazine.  They were highlighting her latest work, which is a compilation of essays by esteemed writers, professors, etc. in which they tell a story of what they feel personifies 'black cool'.  

I'm not completely sure what it was that drew me to the book other than the words on the cover.  Reading the description piqued my interest and before I knew it, there was a confirmation email from Amazon stating that my book was on the way.  Since it's arrival, I have had a hard time putting it down and when I am forced to (because of having to service a customer at work or something like that), I would rather be reading.

Black Cool: One Thousand Streams of Blackness is 153 pages of thought-provoking viewpoints of what it means to be black and cool.  From our "Audacity" (written by dream hampton) to our "Swagger" (written by Dawoud Bey) to our "Reserve" (written by Helena Andrews), we are allowed to get lost in the greatness that it is to be black today.  I am proud to be black and can honestly say that I have never wanted to be of any other ethnicity.  I have always admired our versatility, our beauty and just how cool we were and are (word to the Harlem Renaissance).

One essay, "Hunger" by Veronica Chambers, really reached out to me.  In the seven pages of her essay, she recounted her days in college studying the Harlem Renaissance (my favorite era by far) and the social parties of A'Lelia Bundles (daughter of Madame C.J. Walker).

I'm sure everyone is aware of soul food and what it means to the African American community.  All the love and happiness that comes with the preparation of the food.  The fellowship with loved ones coupled with a myriad of libation.  Just being in the atmosphere sparks such a feeling of love and admiration for the people around that it makes it hard to want to leave (at least for me).

I experienced that familial feeling last night at a birthday get together for my Z Baby (Zainab).  I was brought in to the circle of young, black, up & coming professionals a few years ago by my best friend, Rasheedat.  Anytime there is a function that I can make, I'm there because with them is great fun and endless laughs.  Last night was no different.  As I looked around the room I couldn't help but smile and marvel at how grown up we are all becoming.  It was like a scene out of a black romantic comedy or something.

Zainab stood at the stove, dancing to The Throne's "N*ggas In Paris" while preparing a tomato paste alfredo.  Brittney was right behind her, focused on her task of chopping up garlic cloves and onions to add to the mostaccioli sauce.  iTunes was doing a great job at mixing in some of our favorite songs while the rest of us mingled, catching up and discussing our lives, dancing and drinking.

I used to think dinner parties were pretentious, reserved only for the bourgeois upper echelon but it wasn't that at all.  The setting was chill.  Outcome, memorable.  Definitely one of my many memories to come of 2012.  I anticipate the day I can host my own dinner party in my Brooklyn brownstone, having these same people enjoy in my company.

As we were riding through the streets of Hyde Park, I realized that this is the feeling I've been missing and one that I want to have forever.  A life filled with genuine people of kindred spirits.  I am slowly but surely learning to appreciate the space in which God has me.  He is affording me this extra time at home to help mold me for life once I leave the nest for good.

Don't Rush It...

How many times have you gotten caught up with where you think you should be in life rather than enjoying where you are right now?  I'm guilty too because, let my life timeline tell it, I'm supposed to be in Brooklyn getting my Sidney Shaw on.  Instead, I'm in the South Suburbs of Chicago, blogging on my grandparent's seemingly comfortable green couch that swallows whoever sits on it, while holding down a part time job at a gym.  I'm actually doing pretty good when you think about it.  I don't have to stress about a car note or rent, groceries or gas (when I'm not driving my dad's truck) whereas a lot of my peers do.  I have a place to stay, food to eat, and a supportive family who seems to be very proud of all that I do.  But then, there are times when I feel as if I did something wrong along the way because I don't have a car nor am I living on my own.

I was just over at Essence.com, checking out Janelle Harris' column where she encourages us to ditch the timelines we have mapped out for ourselves and just continue to work at achieving the ultimate goal.  She, like many of us, had it all figured out: She would have a job fresh out of college (ha!), married by 25, own a brownstone in Brooklyn by 27 and have earned her PhD. by 30 (whew!).  For the record, if she was able to accomplish all that in that 6-7 year window after undergrad, I would have followed that woman to the ends of the Earth because, clearly, she harbored the secret to successful living.

Holding true to form, life had a different plan for Janelle and instead of rushing through life as she wanted to, she is being forced to enjoy the space she is in now, continuing to learn the kind of woman she is.

Two years after hitting that milestone age, I’m learning to be mindful that my success isn’t going to be mapped out according to years or ages, but when God can best use me. I might not have been ready to be a good wife at 25 and I might’ve wasted my money on a Ph.D. at 28 because I wasn’t mature enough to put it to work. There’s a point when you fight for your goals and there’s a point where you have to ask yourself if you’re fighting too hard for something because it’s just not the right season. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set goals, even possible dates for when you’d like to have them achieved. You just can’t be so rigid about them that you focus on the accomplishment more than the journey that it takes to get there—though I may need someone to remind me of that every now and then. Be determined, but don’t be defined by your age or your own personal deadlines.

You’ve got time.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/2012/02/24/the-write-or-die-chick-go-for-the-goal-not-the-timeline/#ixzz1noGYnxAh

That concluding passage made me think of my own personal life goals.  It's no secret that I want go to grad school in New York, ultimately transitioning into life there.  A few months ago, I posted something speaking of my procrastination and how I was letting fear keep me from applying to graduate programs but what if it isn't fear?  What if my procrastination is God's way of telling me I'm not ready for New York at 23?  Janelle's article made it clear to me that there is a fine line between being patient while waiting on God & being a lazy procrastinator.  How do I differentiate the two?

God has been placing helpful people in my life that are opening doors of opportunity for me in my intended field which is why I'm not really pressed about me still living at home.  My mother has told me before that as long as I do what I'm supposed to do, God will do the rest.  "Faith without works is dead" is the scripture she often quotes to me.

Right now, my job is to step out of my shell and get started with this new freelancing gig I just got with The Chicago Crusader, among a few other publications.  I have to continue to build my resume as well as thicken my skin a bit before I can successfully transition into life in the Big Apple.

I'm not giving up on my dream, rather putting it in God's hands as he will continue to prepare me for life there. Like Janelle said, I've got time =)  Meanwhile, I'll continue to pray for patience and direction, trusting that God will put me exactly where I need to be.

Friends With Benefits

I have never been one to give serious thought to the aforementioned but as of late, I've begun to wonder if I'm capable of having such a relationship.  My stance on it is simple: as long as both parties know where the other stands, go for it if that is what you're in to.  If not, stay away.

When asked if I could ever be in that kind of situation, I would always say 'no' off top because I know me and my emotions.  There's a possibility I could get attached, having shared a very intimate part of myself with someone.  But, while at work today, I delved a little deeper.  Could I actually be woman enough to constantly separate my emotions for just a moment?  Would I be able to maintain a working relationship with said friend after things have become intimate between us?  Do I really think it would be a good idea to do so?

I do not know of anyone personally who has a friend with benefits but I read a lot and see it in one form or the other on a daily basis.  At times, it is encouraged, assuming one is proceeding with caution, as this is a very sensitive area.  Other times, shunned.

As is customary of Hollywood, it always seems effortless in the movies to set up this kind of arrangement and have it flow flawlessly.  Fortunately, in the real world, we know that the chances are slim.  There are some rules to this thing.  Communication being the foremost (in my opinion).

But what about the rules that are unwritten?  Like how does a friends with benefits situation actually work?  Are we allowed to cuddle after because I really like that stuff. Can I tell you my innermost thoughts as we lay in a lazy stupor after a session? Is that too much like a real relationship?  Are we allowed to text/call each other for non-benefit purposes?  What about hanging out in public or are our meetings relegated to the privacy of one's home?  These are questions I need answers to.

What is your stance on the friends with benefits?  Have you ever been in a situation like this?  How did it turn out for you?  Would you do it again?  Talk to me!  I need answers

Racism: Will It Ever Go Away?

As I sit here and enjoy my lazy morning/afternoon with coffee, news and jazz (Kenneth Whalum III's 'To Those Who Believe' album), I receive a text message with a link to a video.  As is true form of this friend of mine to send links to songs or videos, I opened it up, anticipating some new tunes I'd quickly convert to mp3 form but I was in for something much greater.

Apparently, five days ago, a Youtube video of two young girls (one of which who claims to be of Cuban and Irish American descent) went on a 14 minute rant about Black people and their disdain for them.  Six and a half minutes into this video, I was sitting here, mouth hanging open in disbelief (partly because of their use of the word 'nigger'...the other at their ignorance) *btw: I have never been one to get upset over a non-black using the term because I have used the word before.  Don't see the logic in me banishing someone else's use of it*

I was immediately enraged as I sat, unable to exit out of the video because I wanted to hear their logic behind why they hated the niggers that attend their school (Gainesville High School) and how they (ignorant blacks) don't know how to speak properly and how they abuse the welfare system, opting to drop out of high school to have babies only to collect a check.

What in the ENTIRE hell?! (*insert another four letter word beginning with 'f')

How ignorant does one have to be to one, record this shit THEN have the audacity to send it millions of people around the world via Youtube?!

Naturally, the Internets went wild, blacks and whites alike, because like me, they could not believe the amount of ignoramus in these two simple broads!

I have always been aware that racism is still prevalent today in 2012.  It doesn't seem like we'll ever really reach the dream Dr. King spoke about back in 1963.  I don't want to say that I've grown to accept it but for lack of a better term...

They just sound so young and immature and part of me wants to feel sorry for them but I can't get past the anger.

This is a video of the news clip regarding this video shortly after officials learned of what was happening.

What are your thoughts on this video?  What is your stance on welfare as a whole?  Do you think there are people (of any race/background) who abuse its help, growing comfortable in its security instead of using it as the intended stepping stone?

How "Bad" Are You?

Talk about brutal honesty!!

Since TT released this track last week, I've been playing it nonstop partly because she has a beautiful voice that oozes sexuality.  The other being that her words are ones that I wish were my own...in a sense.

The 19-20 year old Ball State student exudes the confidence that I sometimes wish I possessed.  She's telling this guy in the song, up front, that "the sex will be great between us but if you're looking for anything past that, I'm not your girl".

"I'll be a bad girl.  I'll prove it to you.  Can't promise that I'll be good to you 'cause I have some issues...I won't commit...no. Not havin' it..."

I joked with my friends, stating that she says the stuff that I want to say only if the prude within would let me be great (there are some things I feel should be kept off of social media and/or public conversations).

In this song, Thomas samples Trillville's "Some Cut" from way back when and manages to add some sexy to it, amidst her crooning about a one night stand (it definitely landed itself on a playlist, if you know what I mean...*wink*).

It got me to thinking what if everyone laid their cards out on the table as Thomas has done?  Would you confess to a guy that you'd turn him out as long as he understood that you weren't shit?  Would you respect a guy that admitted his flaws to you?  Would you settle for the bomb sex or hold out for what you deserve?

*check out more of Tiara Thomas' songs on her youtube page.  Follow her on Twitter @Tiara_Thomas*